My Mission to Breastfeed.

Originally dated May 24, 2012. I am sharing this for any mother struggling to nurse their baby, know that you are not alone.


From the moment I realized I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to exclusively breastfeed my baby until his or her first birthday. It wasn't because I was exclusively breastfed (in fact, I don't personally know anyone that was) but because it's what's best for the baby and I want what's best.

 As much as I read up on natural birthing and laboring, I didn't focus as much attention on researching what happens after the birth. As a result, I had to rely on advice from a hospital system that pushes formula, and the women in my family, none of whom breastfed their children past 3 months of age. The baby was given formula against my express, written wishes while we were in the hospital because I had to have an emergency c-section after 46 hours in labor and he had to eat before I was awake. I requested that the baby be brought to me when he needed to eat after that. I nursed him at the hospital and was taught about proper latch, etc. but I was also given formula bottles and told that because of my difficult labor and the baby being on antibiotics (a whole other story), that I should monitor how much he eats, which I obviously couldn't do if I was just nursing.

When we got home and for the next couple of months, I would nurse the baby constantly. Literally. I felt like he was always hungry, so I must be doing something wrong. He gave me a hard time latching for a while because he would come at me so voraciously and impatiently (we called it "snarf face" because he looked like he was going to "snarf snarf snarf" once he got to the boob) that I had to convince him to slow down enough to properly get on. I am impatient by nature, and I think this latch business was the beginning of parenting changing me into a more gracious person ;) I was also so overwhelmed with being the only person feeding the baby, on top of recovering from infection after infection from the c-section and piles of antibiotics, that I started handing him over to whoever was around to give him a bottle of formula after only a few minutes at a time of nursing. I really just felt then like I couldn't cope with everything I was going through, and I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that it would eventually get much easier.

By the time Bu was 2 months old, I was coming out of my fog and realizing that I could possibly do this mothering thing on my own. I was finally healthy and able to establish a routine. I tried exclusively breastfeeding for a long time. I would even set my alarm for 2 am every single day, regardless of whether the baby would wake up for a feeding, so I could pump and build up my supply. Whenever I'd exclusively breastfeed for any length of time, the baby would lose weight. I simply was not making enough milk. In hindsight, and now especially as I'm writing this, I'm sure everything from the method of delivery leading up to his second month had A LOT, if not everything, to do with my under-supply.

Since the baby was born, I've had cocktails of fenugreek tablets, organic mothers milk tea, and of course my prenatal vitamins every. single. day. I eat oatmeal, stay away from parsley....basically anything I can to pump my supply up, but nothing really does too much. In April, I got really sick and had bronchitis for 3 weeks, on top of severe ear infections. I was on several antibiotics, which heavily impacted my supply. We also took the baby to the doctor around that same time, and we were told that while he's in the 98% for height, he was in the 5-10% for weight. Granted, he's being compared to exclusively formula-fed babies, but regardless, he was starting to look sickly. The doctor insisted we supplement his diet because I just was not producing enough for him to thrive.

That was the last straw. With my supply already dwindling from the illness and antibiotics, the baby got very accustomed to bottles and the instant gratification that came with ounces at a time at his disposal. He started napping without needing to nurse too, which was always his routine. Even when the baby was losing weight, I was able to pump about 3-5 oz total in a 10 minute pumping session. Now, I can get an ounce out of the left side, if I'm lucky, and barely an 1/8 of an oz out of my right in the same time frame. I'm continuing to pump daily, but it takes me a week of daily pumping to get the 4 oz I used to get out of one session.

I continue to pump and freeze so even if I stop producing completely, I can still give the baby breast milk for as long as possible. As it is now, he only nurses once, maybe twice a day, and more for comfort than sustenance. I used to cry at the very notion of not having that breastfeeding relationship with my son. I literally spent hours everyday researching and looking at feeding logs and my own food journals to see if anything I ate was affecting my supply, etc. My life was about breastfeeding.

Now, it's sinking in that the relationship is nearing its end. All I can do is try to forgive myself for not completing my goal of a year, and know that when I have a second child, I will be armed with the knowledge that I didn't have with my first so that hopefully, I can do just as well, if not better, for him or her. I had a lot in my way, and I have to be proud of all I persevered in order to make it this far. My son is happy, thriving, and we have an incredible bond and relationship. These are the things I have to focus on. I will continue to nurse my Bu as long as he'll allow, and I will no doubt mourn and cry the day he decides he's done. But I am proud to nurse as long as I am able to, and I would go through all of it all over again for this little man.

Guest Post - "The Exact Birth I Wanted To Have"

Declan Lewis Durbin
April 17, 2014 
8:23 am
7lb 2oz
21 inches long

I woke up the morning of April 16th around 5:30 from contractions that I could no longer sleep through, so I got up and started timing them even though I had previously decided I wouldn't time my contractions. They were lasting about 20-30 seconds long and coming anywhere from 10-20 minutes apart. I told my best friends and my mom about them but told them not to get too excited in case it was a false alarm. I think around 3 hours later I texted my doula, Ashley, and let her know about the contractions, and she said don't get too excited, get some rest, and to let Sally, my midwife, know. Sally also said to get some rest.

Well I couldn't sleep, and I was hungry so Derek and I went to IHOP and ate. Then we went to Walmart to get some last minute supplies and food. The contractions were staying about the same. When we got home I tried to rest, but every time I would start to fall asleep I would have a contraction that would keep me up. This all continued throughout the day and into the evening. The contractions would get closer together and last about a minute, but then there would random ones that would only last around 20 seconds.

 I don't exactly remember when, maybe around 10pm, I told Sally the contractions were getting pretty painful, and I couldn't sleep anymore. She told me to take a bath and to try taking some Unisom to help me sleep. The bath felt amazing at first until my body got used to it, and right after I took the Unisom I threw up. Then I got back into bed hoping maybe the Unisom would work. Nope. At this point Derek was timing my contractions for me. I think they were coming around every 5-6 minutes and 45-60 seconds long. 

I'd say around midnight was when we called Ashley to come over. I remember already asking for some pain relief like Tylenol or something. When she got here, while Derek set up the birth pool, she did some techniques on me with the rebozo wrap for some pain relief and to try to get Declan in a better position I think. 

From then on it was a blurry mixture of laboring in so many different positions, groaning through contractions, being fed apples and water, and throwing up. I got in and out of the pool a few times. It would feel good at first, but once my body got used to it, it wasn't as comfortable. My favorite spot at first was sitting on the ball and leaning over the coffee table on some pillows. Then standing up started to feel better. The whole time Ashley and Jenn, my second doula, would push on my hips during the contractions. That felt so good. At one point Derek even filled in that position while one of them took a break. In between contractions they would give me back rubs, and those felt SO GOOD. Another thing that really helped was Ashley reminding me to do a low groan. It was much more effective than whining or screaming.

At my 36 week appointment I had tested positive for GBS, so I needed to receive antibiotics through an IV which I was not thrilled about. I remember not wanting Sally to arrive because that would mean I had to get a needle in me. Jenn promised that would be the least of my worries, and she was right. I would take 10 IVs over the pain of contractions!

When Sally and Shelly (her assistant) arrived around 3 or 4 in the morning they set up shop. Derek said they basically took over the living room. He was pretty impressed. I laid on the mattress we had set up in the living room while I got my IV antibiotics. It really was no big deal. After, I stayed there for a while. My blood pressure started to rise, so they were all rubbing an essential oil blend on my hands, wrists, and chest. They were miracle oils because my blood pressure was back down in no time!

At one point, Sally told me to let her know if I felt like I needed to push so she could check me to make sure I was fully dilated before I started pushing. I asked her to check me now because I wasn't sure I would know what it felt like to need to push. When she checked me I was almost fully dilated, just a little lip left. From that point until when I started pushing felt like eternity. 

“The temptation to quit will be greatest just before you are about to succeed.”  

- Chinese Proverb

 I kept wondering what was taking so long since I was already fully dilated. Ashley said the baby was moving down, and with each contraction she kept saying “down baby down”. It's burned into my brain she said it so much ;) During this time was when it became very unbearable. I really felt as if I wasn't getting any breaks in between the contractions. I decided to get in the shower for some relief. I tried sitting. I tried standing. Nothing helped. It was just awful. I had a whole debate in my head about wanting to transfer to the hospital for them to just cut him out of me but not wanting to ride in a car for 45 minutes. I couldn't remember that this meant my baby was almost here!

My water broke finally during a contraction. It was, of course, on the only part of the living room carpet that wasn't covered in plastic. When the next contraction came, I could tell my body wanted to push so I got into the birth pool. I pushed on my hands and knees, and in between contractions they would push the gatorade (or water? I can't remember) bottle under my face so I could take a sip. It really did feel good to push. I liked being able to feel everything because I could tell when I was stretching too much and needed to stop to let his head form into a nice shape for me. After a lot of pushing and encouraging words and coaching from my birth team, I pushed his head out, and I knew that I just needed one more contraction to push the rest of his body out. That contraction came, and, after only 30 minutes of pushing, at 8:23am on April 17, 2014 Declan Lewis Durbin was born!  

When he came out the cord was wrapped around his neck and arm, but Derek said Sally just calmly and quickly “unwrapped him like a present” and pushed him through my legs so that I could lift him out of the water for him to take his first breath. It was such a relief! I just remember being so thankful the pain was gone and that my baby was here. Almost immediately he started babbling, telling us his story of what just happened!

After a minute or two they helped me out of the pool and onto the mattress where Derek cut the cord after it stopped pulsing. It was taking a little too long for my placenta to come out, so Sally had to gently tug on it while I pushed it out. Finally it came out nice and whole. After that, I laid back on the mattress wrapped in blankets with my perfect little baby boy, and ate a banana and a Reese's easter egg.

It wasn't until we all talked about it and reflected back on it that I realized I had the exact birth I wanted to have (which I heard doesn't happen that often). I couldn't have asked for anything better. I had the best and most supportive birth team ever. They treated me like a princess waiting on me hand and foot, and I couldn't be more grateful for them! Shelly told me she predicted that my birth would be smooth and powerful, and she was exactly right :)

 

 Danielle Durbin is a mother of one, her little man Declan Lewis. You can follow their story at Instagram @missusdurbin or you can read her blog here.

 

 

Guest Post (continued): "My journey toward Fertility Awareness, or why I don't use hormonal birth control..."

To read the first part of Codi's story, please click here.

About 3 months into year two of marriage we went on a spiritual retreat with the faith based ministry were were newly on staff with. It was a difficult time for both of us, and sex would have been a good way to connect. But we forgot the condoms. And none of the other married couples had any. And we couldn’t drive anywhere to get any. It really sucked. A couple other wives told me about what they do, one with many many health problems, and one normal and healthy. They both used a method called Fertility Awareness. Not the rhythm method or the calendar method, fertility awareness tells you what your body is doing right now, today, no matter how long or short your cycle is.

Sadly I did not convince my husband that condom free sex that night would be fine, but it did start me on a journey for information. They pointed me to a book called Your Fertility Signals: Using Them to Achieve or Avoid Pregnancy Naturally, by Merryl Winstein. 

 

When we got home from the retreat I bought the book. It was old, and kind of hokey with the illustrations, but I could tell it had good information. I learned that when a woman ovulates, there are physical changes you can pay attention to in order to avoid having sex on what is called a fertile day.

When a woman ovulates, at whatever time in her cycle her body is ready, usually 2 weeks before her next period, there will be an increase in vaginal discharge, specifically cervical mucus. Cervical mucus is the bodies way of insuring egg and sperm meet. It provides channels to speed up the sperm on their journey towards the egg, and helps the egg make it safely to the uterus for implantation. It also keeps sperm alive longer, providing a hospitable atmosphere for them to wait for an egg to be released.

Most women will be able to see cervical mucus for about 4 days in a cycle. If you did not see mucus you probably did not ovulate.  

To avoid or achieve a pregnancy, you will check vaginally every time you use the toilet, looking for cervical mucus, or CM. CM is like egg whites, (abbreviated EWCM), clear or whitish, and stretchy, up to an inch of stretch between your fingers. Vaginal discharge is wet, or sticky, and will not stretch.

Here is the basic idea, read on knowing that I am not a medical professional. I suggest you do your own research and/or talk to your doctor before starting this or any other health related plan. Also the book I mentioned and others like it explain the how to do this in much greater detail. This is to give you an idea and encourage you to look for yourself more in depth.

To avoid pregnancy:

Beginning on the first day your period ends, until you have your next period, you will check for CM before and after every time to the toilet (with clean hands). If you have no egg white cervical mucus, you may have sex that night! But not the next day as sex will change the liquids in your lady parts, and sperm can look very similar to EWCM (egg white cervical mucus).  When you start seeing EWCM when you wipe, you stop having sex at night (and any other time), and for four days after you last see any CM. You wait 4 days because absence of EWCM does not mean the egg is gone. There is still a potential for pregnancy in this window of time. Once the four days have passed, have as much sex as you want whenever you want, but keep looking for signals until your next period starts.

To get knocked up:

Check your cervical mucus daily, as if above. When you start seeing EWCM, have lots of sex! Your body is telling you there is an egg available, provide some sperm. Have lots of sex in the days after you see EWCM also.

It took me a few months of tracking to feel comfortable enough...and my husband! This is not a one woman show, both partners need to be comfortable with the method, and communication is vital! We stopped using condoms as a back up, and only used the fertility awareness method. We successfully did not get pregnant for about a year the first time around, and for over 18 months after the birth of our daughter. When trying to get pregnant it took us about 9 months the first time and 6 months round 2. When we really want sex on fertile days, we use a condom if we are preventing pregnancy, knowing that if it fails there is a high likelihood of a baby.

This is not for everyone, but I greatly enjoy knowing I am not putting hormones into my body, and if a baby is conceived it has a chance to live and grow. It is also free, requires no supplies, and available whether you have insurance or not. If you have very long or short cycles, you will be able to find out when you are ovulating, and act accordingly. If you have no cycle, you can start tracking to see if you are ovulating (like while nursing a baby).

The book Your Fertility Signals: Using Them to Achieve or Avoid Pregnancy Naturally also teaches you how to temp daily to track exactly when you ovulated. I choose not to do this because I am lazy. Plus you will only know looking back which day you ovulated, and you would still be tracking your bodies signals on a daily basis to know when your fertile days are. The book includes charts to track mucus and temperature. It is available used from several sources.

 

Here are some resources for more information:

FAQ’s and more information: http://www.fertaware.com/awareness.html

Fertility Awareness Counselor(I have not personally used) http://www.hannahshopefertility.com/

There are also many apps to track your cycle, I use “My Days X” for android, it was free.

For my family, this is what works, and what my husband and I are both very comfortable with. Do your research, decide if this is something you want to do for you, and know that you have to keep track all the time or you can get pregnant. If you forget a few days of tracking, use a barrier method or know you risk pregnancy.

Codi is a mom of almost 2 from Southern California. She spends her days getting ready for baby #2 and giving her daughter those last only child days. If you'd like to connect with Codi or ask her questions, please comment!

Guest Post: "My journey toward Fertility Awareness, or why I don't use hormonal birth control..."

I married my husband when I was 22. Before getting married, I enjoyed a lovely pap smear and was told to get on the pill by my Doctor. So I got my prescription filled, and started faithfully taking the pill, months before our wedding.

My husband used to have a reputation as the plate cleaner when we were hanging out in college. He would eat a full meal then start mooching off of everyone else’s plate. So it was a complete surprise to me when he mentioned that I was out-eating him. On my end I was starving. STARVING. So I stepped on the scale, and discovered that in the two months I was on the pill I gained a little more than 20 lbs.

Not cool body. Not cool.

Since we were not having sex before marriage, and actually accomplishing this task, I stopped taking the pill. A few months later I had another conversation with my doctor, and this time I tried the NuvaRing. It seemed like a good idea, localized birth control hormones=less hormones in my body screwing things up.

The NuvaRing was good for a while, but never managed to line up with my cycles. You are supposed to insert it vaginally for 3 weeks, remove for 1 week (and have your period on this off week) then insert a new ring and repeat. This works great if you have 28 day cycles. My cycles were 35 days long, so I ended up inserting for 3 weeks, removing for 1, reinserting and getting my period. Or keeping it out for 2 weeks, trying to “catch up” or something. After our wedding we used condoms on the off week, because I wasn’t getting satisfactory answers from my doctor about why this was happening or how to “fix it.” We were not planning to get pregnant.

But then I had a positive home pregnancy test. Umm, what? Then I had a second positive home pregnancy test. Oh crap.

Called a friend. Called my doctor. Freaked out with my husband. Bought a baby book and tried to get excited about this unplanned but very much wanted new life.

We went to the doctor, like you are supposed to. She congratulated us, and thought we were crazy to ask for a blood test after two home positives, but sent me to the lab anyway.

A week later I got the news. A very bubbly office girl, who I assume had no idea what in the world the test was for, cheerfully told me the lab results were negative. Have a great day!

I couldn’t make it through the rest of my work day. I came home and cried with my husband. We set up another appointment with my doctor who told me about a chemical pregnancy. It was probably a chemical pregnancy, when egg and sperm meet and do their thing, but are unable to implant in the uterine lining, for multiple reasons. Its no big deal, she said. We weren’t trying to get pregnant right now anyways.

The ring is supposed to make you not ovulate, supposed to prohibit sperm from going where it wants to prohibit accidental ovulated egg meeting great swimmy sperm. It is not supposed to prevent implantation, but it might prevent implantation sometimes.

During the next few cycles we continued to use the ring while doing much soul searching, research on how various forms of birth control actually work, and looking for personal stories of NuvaRing users in the same boat. I found a lot of other women had also experience chemical pregnancies while on the ring, and it seemed like the ring did a better job preventing implantation of a fertilized egg than its promotional materials would tell you.

Many tearful nights lead us to the decision to only use a barrier method to prevent pregnancy. We chose to use condoms, knowing that if a condom fails, it was important to us to allow the possible baby a chance to find its way to a uterus that would be able to receive it.

All this before our first marriage anniversary.

Codi is a mom of almost 2 from Southern California. She spends her days getting ready for baby #2 and giving her daughter those last only child days. If you'd like to connect with Codi or ask her questions, please comment!
Conclusion to follow, please subscribe to the blog to make sure you don't miss the rest of Codi's story!

Our "Autism at Disney" Experience

We recently went to Disney World for the first time since Bu was officially diagnosed…and certainly for the first time since we've gotten to know about Bu's specific needs! Here is some information about the accommodations we were able to receive, and ways we helped Bu enjoy his trip.

Here's some stuff you should know to clarify what's said in the video:

1) Bu is 3 years old, he's on the GFCFSF diet, and he's on the autism spectrum. He doesn't speak (yet), is very sensory seeking (except for touch/tactile), and has hypotonia, which is low muscle tone. He is getting better with all of these things, but he cannot stand or walk for very long without getting fatigued, so he is carried or strolled more than a typical kid his age.

2) Bu gets his supplements several times a day in his "juice", which is typically a homemade, organic fruit-and-veggie puree mixed with water. This is why I personally bring organic baby food pouches or jars/tubs with us to the parks.

3) I took the supplements in "pill organizers" to the park, which was then put in my backpack. If we'd have stayed longer, I might have taken our refrigerated supplements with us and kept them at the hotel. When they would have NEEDED to come with us (such as, after checkout on the last day), I would have taken a separate lunchbox and filled it with ice at the hotel to keep it cool. I also would have added more ice at the parks (asking for free cups of water with lots of ice at any counter service restaurant!).

4) Bu is VERY picky about his chips, which is why I made a point to bring a big bag for each day into the park. At Animal Kingdom (I didn't notice at any other park), they had a booth that sold gluten free and vegan foods, which would have been great for Bu provided I also found a soy-free choice…but a SMALL bag of chips (which wasn't the kind Bu even likes) was SEVEN DOLLARS. Crazy.

Please comment or email me with any questions and I can either answer based on my experience, or I can find out for you. We have annual passes so if there's something in particular that can only be answered at the parks, let me know and I'll do my best to ask or find out next time we go!

The Importance of Birth Plans...

Birth Plans are a great idea for any pregnant person to have ready! We all know birth is unpredictable and having a "plan" in place is no guarantee that anything will go in any particular way. However, the great thing about putting together a Birth Plan is that it makes you think about how you'd want things to go ideally…and it helps prepare you for the alternatives.

There are so many interventions that you may wish to avoid (or elect to have) during your birth experience, and preparing your Birth Plan is a great way to discover what all these interventions are and what they mean for you and your baby. I found that for my pregnancy, the easiest thing for me to do was find a template for a birth plan (BabyCenter has a good one HERE) and then researched the options in each section to determine what best fit my preferences.

You can start putting together your preferences as early as your first trimester, although the recommendation is to have some sort of idea ready by your 5th month of pregnancy. It's important to know as early as possible what is important to you (for example, perhaps you absolutely DO NOT wish to have continuous monitoring so you can move freely during labor, or maybe you absolutely NEED to eat and drink during labor) so that you can discuss these things with your care provider. The reason it's best to do this early is because it gives you the best chance of finding a doctor or midwife you LOVE, should you decide your current care provider is not the best match for the type of birth experience you have in mind. *By the way, remember you can ALWAYS change doctors…even at the very VERY last minute!

If you and your care provider agree that your plan is feasible and safe, and you are SURE your provider is giving you the best possible care and not just considering what is most convenient for THEM, then a good idea is to have the doctor sign your birth plan. It's not in any way a binding contract or anything, but the idea is that if you go into labor and arrive at the hospital or birth center before your care provider does, you can have something to show the nurses and support staff that shows that your care provider is on board with your preferences. It's also important to have several copies on the day of the birth for the nurses, your doula, etc. Every one that comes in contact with you during your labor should see your birth plan, to avoid miscommunications or misunderstandings.

You can include things in your birth plan regarding pain management, what you wish to happen to the baby immediately after birth (like immediate skin to skin and waiting to do newborn exams for an hour so you have a chance to bond, for example), and your plans for feeding your baby (bottle or exclusively breast feeding?).

It's definitely important to be flexible and be ready to forgive yourself if things don't go exactly as you'd hoped…The most important thing is to be educated about all of your options so that if things DO need to go in a different direction, you are equipped to make the best choices for you and your baby. Remember, even if your Birth Plan doesn't come to fruition, preparing one is always beneficial because it familiarizes you with your options (and their risks and benefits), and the policies of your care center and provider.

What advice would you give a first time mother about preparing a birth plan? What is something you think every plan should include?

Guest Post: "Overcoming Fear in Order to Heal"

The Fear of the past…

Is something that came to light when I decided to get pregnant again. I never really thought about my first labor experience, until I started thinking about having another baby. I would just look at the pictures of my daughter’s birth, and recall my baby girl being born healthy and becoming a mother for the first time. But when I got pregnant for a second time, all the memories of the labor came rushing back. The physical pain of an unnecessary pitocin induction just because I was 3 days "over due" coupled with a half way working epidural and no preparation on how to cope with contraction pain that was intense with pitocin , had created a negative and traumatic memory. The feeling that really hit me was I went against my one and only instinct I had during my labor, I took intravenous narcotic pain medicines twice, which hardly helped anyways. I had not prepared. I just thought well I will just go to the hospital and have my baby like everyone else. I had known nothing of labor, medications, inductions, and delivery methods. I should have known something before I had my first baby, but I was scared of the pain, had fear of the unknown and the whole experience of labor and delivery at 20 years of age. That first birth was out of control chaos that I didn't want to repeat.

I chose to have a birth without fear…

because this time it HAD to be different. You learn from experience and don’t repeat mistakes, right? I started researching everything I could and gathered knowledge. Most of my research was through the American Congress of Obstetrics and Gynecology and the American Pregnancy Association. My research confirmed why my instinct told me not to take the pain meds. It also told me why my unnecessary induction experience was so painful and just overall negative, besides my daughter being born well. And I was lucky for my baby to have done well through labor and be born healthy and alert. I suffered a very painful 1^st or 2^nd degree episiotomy as well. I discovered that I was now personally uncomfortable with unnecessary inductions because it can easily lead to unnecessary risk and suffering for baby and mother. I asked myself, why can't labor and delivery be a happy experience? Why has everyone I known got induced, are we unable to go into labor anymore, or is just inconvenient? Is it possible to look back on your labor and think wow what a great memory? Why not? Why can't labor be a positive memory? Why not? I am a bit of a control freak and perfectionist and the thought of my negative, painful, and out of control first labor was upsetting. I needed to control my body and my labor. This was likely to be my last baby, so I wanted a positive and healing memory this time. So I decided I wanted to try to have a natural unmedicated natural child birth, but I never had full trust in myself to make it without the epidural, although it had only worked on half my stomach last time. I couldn’t let go all the way of my harbored fears from my first labor, my fear of the pain making me want an epidural, fear of getting repeat episiotomy due to scar tissue, and fear of something happening to my baby drove me to a hospital birth again. I was on a budget and read a book called Birth Made Easy by Paola Bagnall and listened to the hypnobirth Mp3 from it every night during my last trimester. I practiced positive affirmations and hypnosis with breathing to counts of four, all in hopes that I could labor all naturally. All the while I was learning to trust my instinct and trust my body, and letting go of all my harbored fears.

Then some problems arose…

At just 24 weeks of pregnancy my OB diagnosed me with low amniotic fluid and monitored me weekly with ridiculously expensive bio physical profiles. I didn't worry after finding out my levels (6-9) weren't worrisome if the baby was healthy. She did tell me to work part time and take it easy the rest of my pregnancy. I started to drink a gallon of water a day and the only caffeine I had was 1-2 sodas per week. Then I found out I was positive for group B strep. So I was glad that I chose a natural hospital birth so I could get the antibiotics for my baby. At my 38 week appointment my blood pressure went up to 130’s/85-95s, which was a little bit high for me considering I had been having low blood pressure (80/45 to 100/70) with symptoms. My doctor told me I was soft and 1-2cm dilated with baby up high, so not much going on. It started looking like an induction was in my future, because my OB was pressuring me already with the three reasons I stated above as her basis. I told her No, I am not inducing until 41 weeks, although she had tried to set up my elective induction for me for 39 weeks. Those three reasons started tricking me into thinking an induction may be needed to. I desperately wanted to labor naturally. For my baby’s health. For my perfect birth experience.

Early labor starts…

At 36.5 weeks I had started walking an hour and bouncing on a yoga ball half an hour, both every night. During these activities I would practice techniques I had learned on my hypnobirth mp3 to relax my muscles so my pelvic floor would not be tense and the walking and bouncing would actually produce progress. I also took evening primrose oil and ate pineapples. I was due with my son November 21st, 2012. On Wednesday evening November 14th after my walk and ball bouncing, I started urinating very frequently with several Braxton hicks contractions. Then I had a sharp uncomfortable contraction, then another 2 minutes later. The contractions continued at 2 mins apart lasting 30sec each. I hopped in the bath tub and relaxed to my hypnobirth mp3 while excitedly pondering if this was it! My Husband packed our hospital bags and timed my contractions…and then they quit after an hour. The next day, Thursday November 15th, I felt like I was having a menstrual period. I had continual dull uterus cramps and low back ache all day with the occasional Braxton hicks contraction. Then the next morning at work, Friday November 16th, I passed bloody mucous. I knew it, I was in early labor! I was excited. I monitored my blood pressure and when I was up and about it was 135/95. It made me nervous because I knew my OB would put the pressure on at my upcoming appointment Tuesday/due date day. So I took out my book Birth Made Easy and looked up natural induction methods in the book to get those wonderful contractions going again. I had already been doing what it said. The ball bouncing, walking, sex, primrose oil, and eating pineapple daily. I continued to read and there it was, castor oil. It said for past due babies though. So I hopped on my birth club online and found the posts about girls taking castor oil. I started counting because I am a number and statistical person and found a success rate of about 30 out of 45 girls who had tried it. With no negative outcomes from any of the girls and baby’s. I had read several birth stories previously that week in which castor oil had been used and actually recommended by midwives and their babies were born healthy. I googled castor oil and came across many blogs with opinions on it and even midwives chiming in on the discussions. I found that it wasn’t studied and the common risk was meconium waters, and most of those cases were over due babies so it was hard to blame that occurrence on the castor oil alone since over due babies tend to have a risk of meconium waters anyways. I needed to have a bowel movement anyways so I decided what the heck, why not try it? It's all natural and I bet its way better than dreadful pitocin as far as the babies and my health is concerned, escpecially since I found it in my hypnobirth book and it had been used by midwifes. So I did it. I took the max recommended dosage around 2pm and did everything else I possibly could to get my contractions started. I walked, ball bounced, etc….And I waited, and got nothing but a few runny bowel movements that were not uncomfortable. I drank a gallon of water (over a couple hours time) and started sweeping the floor. I got in a foul mood suddenly and snapped at everyone around me which was my husband, brother, mother, and daughter. I started crying suddenly. I realized this may be the hormone let down before labor and yet I couldn’t control my level of simultaneous madness and sadness. So my mother and brother took my daughter to my grandmothers for dinner and I went on another long walk alone in the dark and cleared my mind . I thought about my labor and envisioned it all going as planned. I had a feeling this would be one of my last moments alone with myself and my mind and peace. And I was correct. I came in around 8pm, kissed my daughter good night and pondered looking at her as an only child one last time. I went to sleep at 10pm. 

At 12am Friday November 17th at 39 weeks & 3 days I was awoke by a sharp uncomfortable contraction, 2 minutes later another came. I woke up my husband who had just laid down a few minutes prior and he began to track the contractions with a handy android app called contraction calculator. I started playing my hypnobirth mp3 by Paola Bagnall and went into my deep meditative state, while controlling my breathing to a 4 count. In hypnosis, you do not think. This is a reason why it is so effective and why I mastered it with her book and mp3 my last trimester of pregnancy. The only thing your mind is focusing on is the voice of your hypnosis guide, your breathing techniques, and the occasional check that your muscles are relaxed. Without thinking, negativity and tenseness cannot creep into your mind. I could feel right before the contraction was coming and catch it by starting my breathing. I would visualize it coming in like a wave because it actually felt like that. When I breathed in, I would push out my stomach using my diaphragm and it would naturally stretch my uterus making the contraction feel better. When I would breathe out I would drop my shoulders for deeper relaxation and release any tense feeling in my pelvic floor. My mp3 track gave me positive affirmations and visualizations of my cervix easily opening like a flower bud. The contractions were strong and 2 mins apart every time and lasting a minute every time. After an hour, we called my parents and the hospital. I took a shower and did my hair and make-up in a quiet and peaceful state of mind. My dad was to stay with my daughter at my house because she was asleep, and my mom was coming with me and my husband to hospital to video tape the birth. I gave my husband and mother specific instructions on maintaining a quiet peaceful environment and how to be my birth coach a few weeks prior. We were not telling anyone I was in labor to keep it that way, peaceful and quiet with no break in my concentration of hypnosis. I paced the house and listened to my Mp3, I was so excited because with each contraction I was getting closer to meeting my baby! I was so happy I was in control of my body and handling everything so well and went into labor naturally. I called the hospital and told them the about my contractions being regular for an hour and half at 2 mins apart and they told me to come in to get me and Christians IV antibiotics before he arrived because they take a few hours to administer. I would of labored longer at home if I had not had the group b strep.

We arrived to hospital….

around 3am with contractions steadily 2 mins apart still and strong. I never turned off my mp3 but for a few minutes. They hooked me to the dreadful outer monitors and told me I was a -2 station and 2.5cm. Baby Christian was happy as a clam in my belly on the monitors. I rocked back and forth on the edge of the bed for a while then laid down since it was almost 4am and I was with no sleep. I was in deep meditation which allowed me to doze off between the contractions for a whole 2 mins at a time! My mom and husband took turns dozing off, mainly my husband. They checked me again in an hour and I was the same. This brought me out of my deep meditation and I started pacing back in forth in a 6 foot line and got a little tense. Was this a false alarm? Or do I need to get to walking and relaxing again? They came back in an hour and half and I was the same again, and offered pain meds which I of course said no to easily. So I told the nurse, “I need to get off these monitors so I can walk.” She told my Dr, who hadn’t even popped her head in yet and but was there, and the nurse came back and said “We are going to let you go home.” I thought well ok that is what I want, but I am in about 8/10 pain with the contraction, they are lasting one minute each and two minutes apart, and I am positive for group B and have been in labor almost 7 hours now with consistent contractions, so is this a good idea, to go home like this? My mind answered yes it is, because if you stay hooked up to the monitors you won’t dilate and they will give you the awful pitocin which is bad for baby. If I want to progress naturally, I need to get out of here.

We headed back home…

around 7am. The only time I ever looked at the clocks was when I went into labor at midnight and these two times in the car. In my state of hypnosis there was basically no time. The car ride intensified my contractions. When I got home I was exhausted without having slept and my contractions were very hard so I had to lie down. I was nauseous with every contraction. I had drunk another half gallon of water and was hungry, but couldn’t eat the chicken broth soup and toast my mom brought me. My husband went back to sleep and my mom sat right by my side as I laid in the bed. I was hypnotized to my hypnobirth mp3. Paola Bagnall's voice carried me through every single contraction. I visualized napping in the sun on the beach at Lake Tahoe, and I fell asleep for 2 minutes, then a wave was rolling into the shore, it was the contractions which I woke up for the duration of 1 minute to handle. This process of sleeping on the beach and then waking up to a wave continued for almost 2 hours. I was curled up in the fetal position as best as a full term pregnancy woman could. My mother eventually left when my daughter woke up to feed her breakfast. It was just me and Christian now, my son, working together. A quiet mind will wander, but a focused one will not. All my thinking mind needed to shut off was that constant soothing voice of hypnosis. I didn’t fight the contractions, I never tensed up. I breathed through every contraction to a 4 count, sleeping in between, so relaxed , it was an out of body experience. After those 2 hours in bed, I started moaning quietly through the contractions and I had to get up because the pain was very sharp in my uterus now. My heart raced and I had butterflies. I wanted to get in the bath tub instinctively. Half way there, a contraction came and I fell to my hands and knees. I remained like that till it passed. Falling down like that broke me out of hypnosis for a second and the pain was intense. I yelled for my husband and he helped me get in the bath tub. I knew getting in the bath would help me relax and relieve some pain. It was just me and him now and he kicked in to birth partner gear. He gave me positive affirmations and followed my lead. I noticed during the contractions I was peeing a little in the bath tub. I repeated the contraction section on my mp3, over and over again to concentrate on getting through just the next contraction. Just keep breathing. During this labor my life had taken on a different meaning, to just get through the next contraction. The bath was like a haze as the contractions got stronger and I started losing control of my 4 count breathing. I would exhale by blowing out a long whimper so I wouldn’t have to breathe in very much. My husband was timing it all and said the contractions were now nearly 2 minutes long. I said “Well when should we go back to hospital, it’s from an 8/10 to 9/10 pain, is that good enough to go back to hospital? Do you think it’s time, or maybe I haven’t made any progress? ” The next contraction I felt a sudden heavy pressure press down on my pelvic floor and anus. I peed a little more. I had my husband help me out of the bath tub. I sat down in a squatting position on the edge of a chair and had another contraction with intense pressure , it felt like my anus was turning inside out it was so intense. I got a spurt of nervous energy and paced the room before the next contraction and when it hit I sat down in a spread legged position again on the toilet this time and peed a little more in spurts, and I totally relaxed my muscles and let the pressure press down with all it had. I said “Ok it’s time to go back to the hospital because there is intense pressure coming down and seemingly out of my anus.” It was 10:30am (my husband later told me), only 3 ½ hours after we had first returned home. So my husband dressed me because I suddenly started feeling weak, limp, and shaky. He helped me to the car. The drive was horrible, I moaned loudly with very long exhales and a bucket in my lap in case I got sick. I could feel every little bump in the road. I never opened my eyes. My mp3 finally was off for the first time. I started thinking finally, previously I had only had thought when I was at the hospital and when I was in the bath tub. I was still (barely!) in control of myself. I started thinking out loud to my husband. “What if I still haven’t made any progress? If I haven’t made any progress then I will get the epidural because I am losing control! This hurts. What if this pressure and intense pain is transition? I am shaking and weak and nauseous, I think this is transition…I am scared to do this without an epidural. I understand how those girls on I didn’t know I was pregnant thought they were having a bowel movement because this pressure is all coming out of my anus” In that car ride, I became one with my body. Although I was not in hypnosis, I was still relaxing and meditating. When the contraction would hit, my breathing would become shallow and my body would become completely limp. It was like my body would take every ounce of energy from every other muscle and give it all to my uterus, and I didn’t fight it. My legs were rubber and flopped open. When the pressure would start coming down all I could feel were my lungs trying to breath correctly and the muscles of my pelvic floor, uterus and anus, and I would feel them all try to tense up and fight the pressures pain. I focused in on those muscles and I released them, I let the pressure come down as far as it wanted to without resistance. I was truly becoming one with my body and letting it do what it was designed to do. It was amazing. It was empowering. I was strong.

We got back to the hospital…

Around 11am (my husband told me later) Here is the scene: Me in my red pajama pants with black dogs on them, pink and silver tennis shoes, belly hard as a rock In a tight black tee shirt, huge black sunglasses on, messy hair, moaning out loud but quietly, whispering when I spoke, my poor husband helping me into a wheel chair in front of the emergency room. He left me with the check in attendant to park the car, my mom was parking her car at the same time. The ER attendant rudely said “What’s your name and date of birth mam?” I just quietly moaned/whimpered through another contraction and ignored her. My husband came running up and answered all her check in questions. They wheeled me up the elevator and to a labor room. My nurse and husband had to put me in the bed and take my clothes off. I felt too weak to stand and the bath tub and bed had been my best friends this labor (and my hypnotherapist of course) so I happily obliged to the bed. The nurse strapped on the monitors and Christian was still performing excellent on them. The nurse tried to check me immediately and I slammed my legs shut saying “Wait till my contractions over.” She said “Well I have to check you hunny!” I said ”I know just wait”. The contraction was so intense and the pressure made me shake uncontrollably. The nurse checked me for a long uncomfortable time in which her hand was almost going in a circle and I said “What is that? Ouch! What are you doing? Please stop.” And she said “That is your baby’s head , you are fully dilated and ready to go. You already lost your bag of waters?” I said “I don’t know.” I must have left it in the bath tub and toilet right before I left and had close to none since I had low amniotic fluid throughout pregnancy. It was 11 am just 4 hours from when I left the hospital earlier. In 4 hours at home and in the car I went from 2.5cm to 10cm. But here comes the fear in my mind; is my baby going get strep? Well I can’t control that. Onto the next fear, something I can control, my previous episiotomy hurt like crazy after my epidural wore off with my first daughter, I mean I cried it was so horrible. That fear hit me like a ton of bricks. And the fear of a ring of fire during crowning my best friend had described to me as a blowtorch after her natural birth. I said to the nurse “Ok I need an epidural first because I don’t want to feel that ring of fire thing or any cutting or tearing. It’s gonna hurt.” And she said “Oh no hunny I am so sorry it is too late for that.” and she ran out of the room. I yelled after her “But no I really need an epidural first!” My beloved mp3 was gone, my meditation was gone now, and the chaos started. My husband held my hand tight, looked me in the eyes, smiling with a tear in the corner of his eye and said “You are gonna be ok baby you can do it. I love you.” I said “Where is my mom?” She had been told to go in the waiting room while they checked me I later learned. I started to panic; I let the fear come over me like a wave as the wave of nurses started running into the room and another wave of a contraction hit me. I moaned loudly in a low pitch. I said again “Seriously I need an epidural. I drank a lot of water I promise.” They said no again. My mind told me it would hurt, but I didn’t know that for sure. It was fear of the unknown and fear of the past gripping my mind. I said “Ok, well what about some pain meds, I had those with my daughter and she was perfectly fine. I really don’t want to feel that ring of fire thing.” And a nursery nurse with her back turned to me and my husband said while unfolding the babies blanket, “We can’t give you that this late or your baby would have to be resuscitated.” My husband said no out loud and I said no in my mind. I shook my head back In forth as a response and went into my mind Why did you even ask for that, you were adamantly against that anyways because of that very fact, sedated babies and hardly any pain relief. People swarmed about the room setting up the delivery table and baby table. My nurse came over and said “I’m sorry hunny, but look you have made it through the hardest part already, all the labor!” That sentence started to settle, and started stirring something up inside me, my strength. A male Dr came in and said my Dr was delivering another baby right now and he introduced himself. I introduced myself and looked straight at him and said, “Is there anything you can do to help me?” He said “I am going to give you a local anesthetic over your scar here and start your antibiotics” I watched his hands draw the needle and felt the sting on my old scar. The Dr said “You’ll feel this sting. Ok it’s almost time, just 2 good pushes and we’ll have this baby!” My mom had just entered a few minutes ago and excitedly and nervously said “You hear that Melanie, just 2 good pushes and you’re gonna let er rip! When should she start pushing?” The room was very quiet and my eyes were closed, head tilted back. I heard people saying “You’re doing great” Then, another contraction came over me and as I moaned I felt an uncontrolled push happening with a whole lot of shaking and crazy breathing, thinking no I can’t I can’t , but my body was trying to push. The nurse told me hold my breath and started to count out loud for me. I didn’t do it like I should of, I said “I can’t”. Everyone said, "You can do it, just push hard" When that contraction stopped the room got quiet again. I felt a sharp unnatural feeling on my urethra and said “What is that?” The Dr said “I’m sorry but I have to drain your bladder real quick with this catheter because your urethra is beginning to tear from your pushing so hard” He did it fast and took it out within his 2 minute window before I was to push again. The sentences of encouragement where still stirring around inside of my mind , I had done it? I had done it. I labored naturally and controlled my pain up until this crazy transition pressure pain, anyways, just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, it was delivery time. The nurse had said the hardest part was over already, was she right? Pushing with my daughter was a piece of cake, so this should be easy too right? My perineum was numb so I won’t feel it if its injured again. I turned to the nurse and said “But what about that ring of fire? I’m starting to feel a burning sensation.” Her and the Dr replied “Just push through the pain when you feel it” I said ok, and I thought I’m going to do this this time, I am strong. I got what I wanted, a natural child birth. The sentence reawakened the strength that had only gone away momentarily. I said “Here it comes” and there it was, a huge contraction with a huge amount of pain and pressure. The nurse started her instructions. I breathed in, held it, and pushed as hard as I could, and as soon as I started to push, that contraction pain completely vanished. Like magic. So I pushed harder, and there was absolutely no pain. My mind was relieved, it was like a breath of fresh air as I only felt a huge amount of pressure and a slight burning sensation now and not the contraction anymore. When I got to the count of 6 I started moaning out my held breath, like a relief moan, I knew I probably shouldn’t have but it felt right. I felt my baby moving through the birth canal and it didn’t hurt. The feedback of feeling successful movement of my baby helped me focus on my pushing. I took another breath and I pushed again two more times for long 10 counts and then the contraction ended. The Dr said the head was nearly out and with the next contraction I could meet my baby. This statement, coupled with a nonexistent ring of fire, a numbed perineum, and the super awesome newly discovered fact that when I pushed my pain actually went away, gave me so much excitement! A huge smile came across my face. I asked the nurse “Can we let my bed up higher?” , so I’d be like sitting and she said no, and before I could argue here came my contraction. I took that huge breath in and held it and pushed as hard as I could, I really used every ounce of strength I had in my pushing. I started to moan as I exhaled again through the last couple of seconds of each breath, I thought about that nurse telling me no and my moan got loud. The Dr said “Ok stop, his head is out” I excitedly demanded “I want to hold him!” They said hold on, and ok now push again, and I did with a higher pitch moan, and whooosh, out he came! The Dr put my son on stomach and I was over taken with emotion and joy crying “My baby, my baby! " My baby boy quietly opened his eyes and squinted up trying to find me and my voice, I was in awe as he looked at me. I don’t know if he had started to breath yet, I don’t think he had, but the Dr gave him a little rub and he started to cry. I said “He's so little! It’s ok sweet baby ” Dr clamped the cord and daddy cut it while he was on my chest still. I was so overtaken with emotion! Then they took him to his little bed a few feet away and cleaned him up and weighed him and he stopped crying and started looking around calmly. The Dr said he did have to give me a very small episiotomy, just a few stitches, because the scar tissue was not stretching although he had was trying to stretch the perineum for me. The Dr massaged out my placenta and sutured me quickly; he kept saying that I had done a great job, and an amazing job pushing. I closed my eyes and sighed in relief. I said “It really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be” My son was born Saturday November 21st 2012 at 11:26 am, only 26 minutes after arriving to the hospital at 11am. I labored 4.5hrs at the hospital and 6.5hrs at home. I lost control and let that fear creep in right before delivery for about 10 minutes during my 11 and half hour long labor. Christian Lee Willis was perfectly healthy and was 7lbs 2oz and 21 inches in length at 39weeks and 3days gestation. He had no cone head shaping at all and no puffy eye lids and was born fairly clean. After about 20 minutes of cleaning him up and measuring him in the same room as me, they gave him back to me and left us all alone. He nursed for 20 minutes with ease, just quietly staring with squinty eyes at me and his new food source, just like my daughter did after her birth. My brother and daughter came in and I let my husband and daughter hold our baby boy. Then I fed him again. I hoped up with ease a little less than an hour after delivery. Recovery was so much easier than the first time, although my urethra and bladder were sore for months from being stretched. The contractions were much easier to handle because I could catch them as they came on like wave, building up to a peak, and they were focused on my uterus, with a max total of 9/10 pain in transition. Compared to 10/10 pain with pitocin contractions for several hours with my first birth and they were so hard to handle because they took over my entire stomach and came on out of nowhere immediately strong. My body created a natural epidural due to adrenaline and other hormones that were left undisturbed throughout labor also due to the vagina being stretched so much after crowning that it just goes numb from nerve compression, I started to reflect on what just happened. I had my healing experience that I so desperately needed after my first birth experience. I trusted my body and just let go. I just gave birth without fear. I am strong.

After my experience I discovered Birth Without Fear blog and decided to write my story so I wouldn't forget the details, to inspire women, and to show my children when their first children are one the way. I also found this quote that spoke to me, and it is my hopes that my story and this quote will find someone who is pregnant and inspire them to believe that they are strong.

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot” – Eleanor Roosevelt


Please follow Melanie on Instagram @Mama_Mel_Mel to learn more about her and her family!