Guest Post: "Overcoming Fear in Order to Heal"

The Fear of the past…

Is something that came to light when I decided to get pregnant again. I never really thought about my first labor experience, until I started thinking about having another baby. I would just look at the pictures of my daughter’s birth, and recall my baby girl being born healthy and becoming a mother for the first time. But when I got pregnant for a second time, all the memories of the labor came rushing back. The physical pain of an unnecessary pitocin induction just because I was 3 days "over due" coupled with a half way working epidural and no preparation on how to cope with contraction pain that was intense with pitocin , had created a negative and traumatic memory. The feeling that really hit me was I went against my one and only instinct I had during my labor, I took intravenous narcotic pain medicines twice, which hardly helped anyways. I had not prepared. I just thought well I will just go to the hospital and have my baby like everyone else. I had known nothing of labor, medications, inductions, and delivery methods. I should have known something before I had my first baby, but I was scared of the pain, had fear of the unknown and the whole experience of labor and delivery at 20 years of age. That first birth was out of control chaos that I didn't want to repeat.

I chose to have a birth without fear…

because this time it HAD to be different. You learn from experience and don’t repeat mistakes, right? I started researching everything I could and gathered knowledge. Most of my research was through the American Congress of Obstetrics and Gynecology and the American Pregnancy Association. My research confirmed why my instinct told me not to take the pain meds. It also told me why my unnecessary induction experience was so painful and just overall negative, besides my daughter being born well. And I was lucky for my baby to have done well through labor and be born healthy and alert. I suffered a very painful 1^st or 2^nd degree episiotomy as well. I discovered that I was now personally uncomfortable with unnecessary inductions because it can easily lead to unnecessary risk and suffering for baby and mother. I asked myself, why can't labor and delivery be a happy experience? Why has everyone I known got induced, are we unable to go into labor anymore, or is just inconvenient? Is it possible to look back on your labor and think wow what a great memory? Why not? Why can't labor be a positive memory? Why not? I am a bit of a control freak and perfectionist and the thought of my negative, painful, and out of control first labor was upsetting. I needed to control my body and my labor. This was likely to be my last baby, so I wanted a positive and healing memory this time. So I decided I wanted to try to have a natural unmedicated natural child birth, but I never had full trust in myself to make it without the epidural, although it had only worked on half my stomach last time. I couldn’t let go all the way of my harbored fears from my first labor, my fear of the pain making me want an epidural, fear of getting repeat episiotomy due to scar tissue, and fear of something happening to my baby drove me to a hospital birth again. I was on a budget and read a book called Birth Made Easy by Paola Bagnall and listened to the hypnobirth Mp3 from it every night during my last trimester. I practiced positive affirmations and hypnosis with breathing to counts of four, all in hopes that I could labor all naturally. All the while I was learning to trust my instinct and trust my body, and letting go of all my harbored fears.

Then some problems arose…

At just 24 weeks of pregnancy my OB diagnosed me with low amniotic fluid and monitored me weekly with ridiculously expensive bio physical profiles. I didn't worry after finding out my levels (6-9) weren't worrisome if the baby was healthy. She did tell me to work part time and take it easy the rest of my pregnancy. I started to drink a gallon of water a day and the only caffeine I had was 1-2 sodas per week. Then I found out I was positive for group B strep. So I was glad that I chose a natural hospital birth so I could get the antibiotics for my baby. At my 38 week appointment my blood pressure went up to 130’s/85-95s, which was a little bit high for me considering I had been having low blood pressure (80/45 to 100/70) with symptoms. My doctor told me I was soft and 1-2cm dilated with baby up high, so not much going on. It started looking like an induction was in my future, because my OB was pressuring me already with the three reasons I stated above as her basis. I told her No, I am not inducing until 41 weeks, although she had tried to set up my elective induction for me for 39 weeks. Those three reasons started tricking me into thinking an induction may be needed to. I desperately wanted to labor naturally. For my baby’s health. For my perfect birth experience.

Early labor starts…

At 36.5 weeks I had started walking an hour and bouncing on a yoga ball half an hour, both every night. During these activities I would practice techniques I had learned on my hypnobirth mp3 to relax my muscles so my pelvic floor would not be tense and the walking and bouncing would actually produce progress. I also took evening primrose oil and ate pineapples. I was due with my son November 21st, 2012. On Wednesday evening November 14th after my walk and ball bouncing, I started urinating very frequently with several Braxton hicks contractions. Then I had a sharp uncomfortable contraction, then another 2 minutes later. The contractions continued at 2 mins apart lasting 30sec each. I hopped in the bath tub and relaxed to my hypnobirth mp3 while excitedly pondering if this was it! My Husband packed our hospital bags and timed my contractions…and then they quit after an hour. The next day, Thursday November 15th, I felt like I was having a menstrual period. I had continual dull uterus cramps and low back ache all day with the occasional Braxton hicks contraction. Then the next morning at work, Friday November 16th, I passed bloody mucous. I knew it, I was in early labor! I was excited. I monitored my blood pressure and when I was up and about it was 135/95. It made me nervous because I knew my OB would put the pressure on at my upcoming appointment Tuesday/due date day. So I took out my book Birth Made Easy and looked up natural induction methods in the book to get those wonderful contractions going again. I had already been doing what it said. The ball bouncing, walking, sex, primrose oil, and eating pineapple daily. I continued to read and there it was, castor oil. It said for past due babies though. So I hopped on my birth club online and found the posts about girls taking castor oil. I started counting because I am a number and statistical person and found a success rate of about 30 out of 45 girls who had tried it. With no negative outcomes from any of the girls and baby’s. I had read several birth stories previously that week in which castor oil had been used and actually recommended by midwives and their babies were born healthy. I googled castor oil and came across many blogs with opinions on it and even midwives chiming in on the discussions. I found that it wasn’t studied and the common risk was meconium waters, and most of those cases were over due babies so it was hard to blame that occurrence on the castor oil alone since over due babies tend to have a risk of meconium waters anyways. I needed to have a bowel movement anyways so I decided what the heck, why not try it? It's all natural and I bet its way better than dreadful pitocin as far as the babies and my health is concerned, escpecially since I found it in my hypnobirth book and it had been used by midwifes. So I did it. I took the max recommended dosage around 2pm and did everything else I possibly could to get my contractions started. I walked, ball bounced, etc….And I waited, and got nothing but a few runny bowel movements that were not uncomfortable. I drank a gallon of water (over a couple hours time) and started sweeping the floor. I got in a foul mood suddenly and snapped at everyone around me which was my husband, brother, mother, and daughter. I started crying suddenly. I realized this may be the hormone let down before labor and yet I couldn’t control my level of simultaneous madness and sadness. So my mother and brother took my daughter to my grandmothers for dinner and I went on another long walk alone in the dark and cleared my mind . I thought about my labor and envisioned it all going as planned. I had a feeling this would be one of my last moments alone with myself and my mind and peace. And I was correct. I came in around 8pm, kissed my daughter good night and pondered looking at her as an only child one last time. I went to sleep at 10pm. 

At 12am Friday November 17th at 39 weeks & 3 days I was awoke by a sharp uncomfortable contraction, 2 minutes later another came. I woke up my husband who had just laid down a few minutes prior and he began to track the contractions with a handy android app called contraction calculator. I started playing my hypnobirth mp3 by Paola Bagnall and went into my deep meditative state, while controlling my breathing to a 4 count. In hypnosis, you do not think. This is a reason why it is so effective and why I mastered it with her book and mp3 my last trimester of pregnancy. The only thing your mind is focusing on is the voice of your hypnosis guide, your breathing techniques, and the occasional check that your muscles are relaxed. Without thinking, negativity and tenseness cannot creep into your mind. I could feel right before the contraction was coming and catch it by starting my breathing. I would visualize it coming in like a wave because it actually felt like that. When I breathed in, I would push out my stomach using my diaphragm and it would naturally stretch my uterus making the contraction feel better. When I would breathe out I would drop my shoulders for deeper relaxation and release any tense feeling in my pelvic floor. My mp3 track gave me positive affirmations and visualizations of my cervix easily opening like a flower bud. The contractions were strong and 2 mins apart every time and lasting a minute every time. After an hour, we called my parents and the hospital. I took a shower and did my hair and make-up in a quiet and peaceful state of mind. My dad was to stay with my daughter at my house because she was asleep, and my mom was coming with me and my husband to hospital to video tape the birth. I gave my husband and mother specific instructions on maintaining a quiet peaceful environment and how to be my birth coach a few weeks prior. We were not telling anyone I was in labor to keep it that way, peaceful and quiet with no break in my concentration of hypnosis. I paced the house and listened to my Mp3, I was so excited because with each contraction I was getting closer to meeting my baby! I was so happy I was in control of my body and handling everything so well and went into labor naturally. I called the hospital and told them the about my contractions being regular for an hour and half at 2 mins apart and they told me to come in to get me and Christians IV antibiotics before he arrived because they take a few hours to administer. I would of labored longer at home if I had not had the group b strep.

We arrived to hospital….

around 3am with contractions steadily 2 mins apart still and strong. I never turned off my mp3 but for a few minutes. They hooked me to the dreadful outer monitors and told me I was a -2 station and 2.5cm. Baby Christian was happy as a clam in my belly on the monitors. I rocked back and forth on the edge of the bed for a while then laid down since it was almost 4am and I was with no sleep. I was in deep meditation which allowed me to doze off between the contractions for a whole 2 mins at a time! My mom and husband took turns dozing off, mainly my husband. They checked me again in an hour and I was the same. This brought me out of my deep meditation and I started pacing back in forth in a 6 foot line and got a little tense. Was this a false alarm? Or do I need to get to walking and relaxing again? They came back in an hour and half and I was the same again, and offered pain meds which I of course said no to easily. So I told the nurse, “I need to get off these monitors so I can walk.” She told my Dr, who hadn’t even popped her head in yet and but was there, and the nurse came back and said “We are going to let you go home.” I thought well ok that is what I want, but I am in about 8/10 pain with the contraction, they are lasting one minute each and two minutes apart, and I am positive for group B and have been in labor almost 7 hours now with consistent contractions, so is this a good idea, to go home like this? My mind answered yes it is, because if you stay hooked up to the monitors you won’t dilate and they will give you the awful pitocin which is bad for baby. If I want to progress naturally, I need to get out of here.

We headed back home…

around 7am. The only time I ever looked at the clocks was when I went into labor at midnight and these two times in the car. In my state of hypnosis there was basically no time. The car ride intensified my contractions. When I got home I was exhausted without having slept and my contractions were very hard so I had to lie down. I was nauseous with every contraction. I had drunk another half gallon of water and was hungry, but couldn’t eat the chicken broth soup and toast my mom brought me. My husband went back to sleep and my mom sat right by my side as I laid in the bed. I was hypnotized to my hypnobirth mp3. Paola Bagnall's voice carried me through every single contraction. I visualized napping in the sun on the beach at Lake Tahoe, and I fell asleep for 2 minutes, then a wave was rolling into the shore, it was the contractions which I woke up for the duration of 1 minute to handle. This process of sleeping on the beach and then waking up to a wave continued for almost 2 hours. I was curled up in the fetal position as best as a full term pregnancy woman could. My mother eventually left when my daughter woke up to feed her breakfast. It was just me and Christian now, my son, working together. A quiet mind will wander, but a focused one will not. All my thinking mind needed to shut off was that constant soothing voice of hypnosis. I didn’t fight the contractions, I never tensed up. I breathed through every contraction to a 4 count, sleeping in between, so relaxed , it was an out of body experience. After those 2 hours in bed, I started moaning quietly through the contractions and I had to get up because the pain was very sharp in my uterus now. My heart raced and I had butterflies. I wanted to get in the bath tub instinctively. Half way there, a contraction came and I fell to my hands and knees. I remained like that till it passed. Falling down like that broke me out of hypnosis for a second and the pain was intense. I yelled for my husband and he helped me get in the bath tub. I knew getting in the bath would help me relax and relieve some pain. It was just me and him now and he kicked in to birth partner gear. He gave me positive affirmations and followed my lead. I noticed during the contractions I was peeing a little in the bath tub. I repeated the contraction section on my mp3, over and over again to concentrate on getting through just the next contraction. Just keep breathing. During this labor my life had taken on a different meaning, to just get through the next contraction. The bath was like a haze as the contractions got stronger and I started losing control of my 4 count breathing. I would exhale by blowing out a long whimper so I wouldn’t have to breathe in very much. My husband was timing it all and said the contractions were now nearly 2 minutes long. I said “Well when should we go back to hospital, it’s from an 8/10 to 9/10 pain, is that good enough to go back to hospital? Do you think it’s time, or maybe I haven’t made any progress? ” The next contraction I felt a sudden heavy pressure press down on my pelvic floor and anus. I peed a little more. I had my husband help me out of the bath tub. I sat down in a squatting position on the edge of a chair and had another contraction with intense pressure , it felt like my anus was turning inside out it was so intense. I got a spurt of nervous energy and paced the room before the next contraction and when it hit I sat down in a spread legged position again on the toilet this time and peed a little more in spurts, and I totally relaxed my muscles and let the pressure press down with all it had. I said “Ok it’s time to go back to the hospital because there is intense pressure coming down and seemingly out of my anus.” It was 10:30am (my husband later told me), only 3 ½ hours after we had first returned home. So my husband dressed me because I suddenly started feeling weak, limp, and shaky. He helped me to the car. The drive was horrible, I moaned loudly with very long exhales and a bucket in my lap in case I got sick. I could feel every little bump in the road. I never opened my eyes. My mp3 finally was off for the first time. I started thinking finally, previously I had only had thought when I was at the hospital and when I was in the bath tub. I was still (barely!) in control of myself. I started thinking out loud to my husband. “What if I still haven’t made any progress? If I haven’t made any progress then I will get the epidural because I am losing control! This hurts. What if this pressure and intense pain is transition? I am shaking and weak and nauseous, I think this is transition…I am scared to do this without an epidural. I understand how those girls on I didn’t know I was pregnant thought they were having a bowel movement because this pressure is all coming out of my anus” In that car ride, I became one with my body. Although I was not in hypnosis, I was still relaxing and meditating. When the contraction would hit, my breathing would become shallow and my body would become completely limp. It was like my body would take every ounce of energy from every other muscle and give it all to my uterus, and I didn’t fight it. My legs were rubber and flopped open. When the pressure would start coming down all I could feel were my lungs trying to breath correctly and the muscles of my pelvic floor, uterus and anus, and I would feel them all try to tense up and fight the pressures pain. I focused in on those muscles and I released them, I let the pressure come down as far as it wanted to without resistance. I was truly becoming one with my body and letting it do what it was designed to do. It was amazing. It was empowering. I was strong.

We got back to the hospital…

Around 11am (my husband told me later) Here is the scene: Me in my red pajama pants with black dogs on them, pink and silver tennis shoes, belly hard as a rock In a tight black tee shirt, huge black sunglasses on, messy hair, moaning out loud but quietly, whispering when I spoke, my poor husband helping me into a wheel chair in front of the emergency room. He left me with the check in attendant to park the car, my mom was parking her car at the same time. The ER attendant rudely said “What’s your name and date of birth mam?” I just quietly moaned/whimpered through another contraction and ignored her. My husband came running up and answered all her check in questions. They wheeled me up the elevator and to a labor room. My nurse and husband had to put me in the bed and take my clothes off. I felt too weak to stand and the bath tub and bed had been my best friends this labor (and my hypnotherapist of course) so I happily obliged to the bed. The nurse strapped on the monitors and Christian was still performing excellent on them. The nurse tried to check me immediately and I slammed my legs shut saying “Wait till my contractions over.” She said “Well I have to check you hunny!” I said ”I know just wait”. The contraction was so intense and the pressure made me shake uncontrollably. The nurse checked me for a long uncomfortable time in which her hand was almost going in a circle and I said “What is that? Ouch! What are you doing? Please stop.” And she said “That is your baby’s head , you are fully dilated and ready to go. You already lost your bag of waters?” I said “I don’t know.” I must have left it in the bath tub and toilet right before I left and had close to none since I had low amniotic fluid throughout pregnancy. It was 11 am just 4 hours from when I left the hospital earlier. In 4 hours at home and in the car I went from 2.5cm to 10cm. But here comes the fear in my mind; is my baby going get strep? Well I can’t control that. Onto the next fear, something I can control, my previous episiotomy hurt like crazy after my epidural wore off with my first daughter, I mean I cried it was so horrible. That fear hit me like a ton of bricks. And the fear of a ring of fire during crowning my best friend had described to me as a blowtorch after her natural birth. I said to the nurse “Ok I need an epidural first because I don’t want to feel that ring of fire thing or any cutting or tearing. It’s gonna hurt.” And she said “Oh no hunny I am so sorry it is too late for that.” and she ran out of the room. I yelled after her “But no I really need an epidural first!” My beloved mp3 was gone, my meditation was gone now, and the chaos started. My husband held my hand tight, looked me in the eyes, smiling with a tear in the corner of his eye and said “You are gonna be ok baby you can do it. I love you.” I said “Where is my mom?” She had been told to go in the waiting room while they checked me I later learned. I started to panic; I let the fear come over me like a wave as the wave of nurses started running into the room and another wave of a contraction hit me. I moaned loudly in a low pitch. I said again “Seriously I need an epidural. I drank a lot of water I promise.” They said no again. My mind told me it would hurt, but I didn’t know that for sure. It was fear of the unknown and fear of the past gripping my mind. I said “Ok, well what about some pain meds, I had those with my daughter and she was perfectly fine. I really don’t want to feel that ring of fire thing.” And a nursery nurse with her back turned to me and my husband said while unfolding the babies blanket, “We can’t give you that this late or your baby would have to be resuscitated.” My husband said no out loud and I said no in my mind. I shook my head back In forth as a response and went into my mind Why did you even ask for that, you were adamantly against that anyways because of that very fact, sedated babies and hardly any pain relief. People swarmed about the room setting up the delivery table and baby table. My nurse came over and said “I’m sorry hunny, but look you have made it through the hardest part already, all the labor!” That sentence started to settle, and started stirring something up inside me, my strength. A male Dr came in and said my Dr was delivering another baby right now and he introduced himself. I introduced myself and looked straight at him and said, “Is there anything you can do to help me?” He said “I am going to give you a local anesthetic over your scar here and start your antibiotics” I watched his hands draw the needle and felt the sting on my old scar. The Dr said “You’ll feel this sting. Ok it’s almost time, just 2 good pushes and we’ll have this baby!” My mom had just entered a few minutes ago and excitedly and nervously said “You hear that Melanie, just 2 good pushes and you’re gonna let er rip! When should she start pushing?” The room was very quiet and my eyes were closed, head tilted back. I heard people saying “You’re doing great” Then, another contraction came over me and as I moaned I felt an uncontrolled push happening with a whole lot of shaking and crazy breathing, thinking no I can’t I can’t , but my body was trying to push. The nurse told me hold my breath and started to count out loud for me. I didn’t do it like I should of, I said “I can’t”. Everyone said, "You can do it, just push hard" When that contraction stopped the room got quiet again. I felt a sharp unnatural feeling on my urethra and said “What is that?” The Dr said “I’m sorry but I have to drain your bladder real quick with this catheter because your urethra is beginning to tear from your pushing so hard” He did it fast and took it out within his 2 minute window before I was to push again. The sentences of encouragement where still stirring around inside of my mind , I had done it? I had done it. I labored naturally and controlled my pain up until this crazy transition pressure pain, anyways, just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, it was delivery time. The nurse had said the hardest part was over already, was she right? Pushing with my daughter was a piece of cake, so this should be easy too right? My perineum was numb so I won’t feel it if its injured again. I turned to the nurse and said “But what about that ring of fire? I’m starting to feel a burning sensation.” Her and the Dr replied “Just push through the pain when you feel it” I said ok, and I thought I’m going to do this this time, I am strong. I got what I wanted, a natural child birth. The sentence reawakened the strength that had only gone away momentarily. I said “Here it comes” and there it was, a huge contraction with a huge amount of pain and pressure. The nurse started her instructions. I breathed in, held it, and pushed as hard as I could, and as soon as I started to push, that contraction pain completely vanished. Like magic. So I pushed harder, and there was absolutely no pain. My mind was relieved, it was like a breath of fresh air as I only felt a huge amount of pressure and a slight burning sensation now and not the contraction anymore. When I got to the count of 6 I started moaning out my held breath, like a relief moan, I knew I probably shouldn’t have but it felt right. I felt my baby moving through the birth canal and it didn’t hurt. The feedback of feeling successful movement of my baby helped me focus on my pushing. I took another breath and I pushed again two more times for long 10 counts and then the contraction ended. The Dr said the head was nearly out and with the next contraction I could meet my baby. This statement, coupled with a nonexistent ring of fire, a numbed perineum, and the super awesome newly discovered fact that when I pushed my pain actually went away, gave me so much excitement! A huge smile came across my face. I asked the nurse “Can we let my bed up higher?” , so I’d be like sitting and she said no, and before I could argue here came my contraction. I took that huge breath in and held it and pushed as hard as I could, I really used every ounce of strength I had in my pushing. I started to moan as I exhaled again through the last couple of seconds of each breath, I thought about that nurse telling me no and my moan got loud. The Dr said “Ok stop, his head is out” I excitedly demanded “I want to hold him!” They said hold on, and ok now push again, and I did with a higher pitch moan, and whooosh, out he came! The Dr put my son on stomach and I was over taken with emotion and joy crying “My baby, my baby! " My baby boy quietly opened his eyes and squinted up trying to find me and my voice, I was in awe as he looked at me. I don’t know if he had started to breath yet, I don’t think he had, but the Dr gave him a little rub and he started to cry. I said “He's so little! It’s ok sweet baby ” Dr clamped the cord and daddy cut it while he was on my chest still. I was so overtaken with emotion! Then they took him to his little bed a few feet away and cleaned him up and weighed him and he stopped crying and started looking around calmly. The Dr said he did have to give me a very small episiotomy, just a few stitches, because the scar tissue was not stretching although he had was trying to stretch the perineum for me. The Dr massaged out my placenta and sutured me quickly; he kept saying that I had done a great job, and an amazing job pushing. I closed my eyes and sighed in relief. I said “It really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be” My son was born Saturday November 21st 2012 at 11:26 am, only 26 minutes after arriving to the hospital at 11am. I labored 4.5hrs at the hospital and 6.5hrs at home. I lost control and let that fear creep in right before delivery for about 10 minutes during my 11 and half hour long labor. Christian Lee Willis was perfectly healthy and was 7lbs 2oz and 21 inches in length at 39weeks and 3days gestation. He had no cone head shaping at all and no puffy eye lids and was born fairly clean. After about 20 minutes of cleaning him up and measuring him in the same room as me, they gave him back to me and left us all alone. He nursed for 20 minutes with ease, just quietly staring with squinty eyes at me and his new food source, just like my daughter did after her birth. My brother and daughter came in and I let my husband and daughter hold our baby boy. Then I fed him again. I hoped up with ease a little less than an hour after delivery. Recovery was so much easier than the first time, although my urethra and bladder were sore for months from being stretched. The contractions were much easier to handle because I could catch them as they came on like wave, building up to a peak, and they were focused on my uterus, with a max total of 9/10 pain in transition. Compared to 10/10 pain with pitocin contractions for several hours with my first birth and they were so hard to handle because they took over my entire stomach and came on out of nowhere immediately strong. My body created a natural epidural due to adrenaline and other hormones that were left undisturbed throughout labor also due to the vagina being stretched so much after crowning that it just goes numb from nerve compression, I started to reflect on what just happened. I had my healing experience that I so desperately needed after my first birth experience. I trusted my body and just let go. I just gave birth without fear. I am strong.

After my experience I discovered Birth Without Fear blog and decided to write my story so I wouldn't forget the details, to inspire women, and to show my children when their first children are one the way. I also found this quote that spoke to me, and it is my hopes that my story and this quote will find someone who is pregnant and inspire them to believe that they are strong.

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot” – Eleanor Roosevelt


Please follow Melanie on Instagram @Mama_Mel_Mel to learn more about her and her family!

Guest Post: "How I Met My Littlest Valentine"

At 41 weeks and 1 day pregnant around 6:30pm on Thursday February 13 I changed positions on the sofa and felt some type of liquid come out of me. Assuming that I peed myself I headed into the bathroom but there wasn’t the smell of pee. I sat back down and went onto my online pregnancy support group asking if they thought it was pee or amniotic fluid. I called my doula and she said to call the midwife and figure out what to do. I put another pair of underwear on to see if I was still leaking and sure enough I was. I woke up Evan and said “My water broke. I think this is it. I think we’re having a baby today.” Evan shot right up and got out of bed in a total panic. He had to shower, his bag wasn’t totally packed, the house was a mess. I called the midwife and she said to head to the hospital. My plan was the birth center so I was a bit panicked. I was terrified of not laboring fast enough, being pumped with drugs, and getting forced into a cesarean. Evan kept telling me everything would be okay and we were probably just going to the hospital because the birth center had closed that day due to the snow and the parking lot was most likely not plowed. I called my Mom and told her I thought my water broke and I needed to go in to get the fluid tested. 

My parents came over as quickly as they could. Fitting the four of us, our bags, and my birth ball in my Dad’s truck was not an easy task. On top of that my mother thought I would be cold so she had the heat up. I was sweating my butt off and asked them to open the windows. There was some where between 6 to 12 inches of snow on the ground and it was still snowing when we were on the road.  We got to the hospital and I totally forgot how to get to the maternity ward so I waited in line at the front desk and got directions. We got checked in and Evan sat with me in a room waiting for someone to come in to check me. The woman who came in was very ill mannered and seemed annoyed that I had questions. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen because I didn’t have a hospital birth in my mind and I was confused about being Group B Strep positive and having my water break before labor. The woman told me I needed to be checked in and that it was amniotic fluid and we had to start an induction. Tears immediately began for the fear of needles, air bubbles in the line, medical interventions leading to cesarean. I felt so rushed from the doctor, nurses, the millions of questions my parents had, and the amount of emotions I was feeling on top of worrying about how Evan was. After arriving in the delivery room the nurses came in for the antibiotic IV and pitocin. My midwife was in the room and told the nurses that my veins are hard to find and they would need the IV team but the nurse was convinced she could do it herself. She couldn’t. It hurt quite a bit while she wiggled the needle around in my arm trying to figure out where it needed to go. She finally gave up and called the IV team. Another nurse catalogued my belongings and asked if all my jewelry could be easily removed in case there was a cause for a cesarean. That made my mind race even more than it already was. During all this time I was crying and trying to remember to stay calm and breathe. After being hooked up to everything the midwife checked me for dilation and I was about one and a half centimeters. 

Once everything settled I called my doula who was upset that she wasn’t able to be there from the very beginning of everything. She arrived sometime around midnight and told me what to expect. She suggested I try to get some sleep but since Evan works nights I was sort of on his schedule and he was wide awake. We watched Mob Wives and Couples Therapy and then the local news. Evan and my doula eventually fell asleep and I tried to sleep as well. I was hooked up to a blood pressure cuff that had to go off every 15 minutes. Because I’m fat I need an adult thigh cuff for an accurate reading. I was constantly woken up from the machine going off on top of the fact that the cuff didn’t fit and made my arm twitch and go numb. A nurse periodically came in because the readings were off and I tried to explain what size cuff I needed. The nurse told me that size didn’t exist and moved the cuff to my forearm which didn’t really make a difference. I’m not sure how much sleep I got but I did sleep a little bit. 

On Friday February 14 we woke up sometime around 7:00am. At 9:00am I was checked and was 4 centimeters dilated. Evan left to get breakfast while I was with my doula. I sat on a birth ball bouncing up and down waiting for a nurse to come in so I could get on wireless monitoring. After being on wireless monitoring I was able to walk around the room, sit in different positions on the bed, lean against the wall, and do whatever I needed to manage the pain. Evan came back from breakfast with some juice and a rose for Valentine’s Day. He must have spent a fortune in the gift shop but he didn’t want Valentine’s Day to pass without giving me a rose. Laboring was much different than I hoped it would be. The IV was annoying and the wireless monitors kept moving plus I had to get my blood pressure checked every half hour. Luckily the nurses that came with the shift change were so much more pleasant than the ones from overnight. They let me go longer in-between blood pressure checks to not stop my concentration and stopped readjusting the wireless monitors as often as they should have. They even informed every one of my birth plan and wrote a note on my door specifying quiet voices, natural lighting, and to keep the door shut at all times. The midwife came in I think around lunch time and asked if I wanted to be checked. I told her no because I was worried if I wasn’t as far as I had imagined that labor would stall due to my mental state. During breaks between contractions I read birth affirmations and listened to a hip hop play list, I had a classical music playlist but it didn’t distract me enough. My doula told me to turn on whatever music I normally listened to or else I wouldn’t be able to block out the pain. Evan stood behind me massaging my lower back while I was on the birth ball, then my doula would fill in with different massages and suggest other positions. I decided I wanted to walk the hallway. Walking was terrible. I had to stop walking during contractions so I gave up that idea and headed back to my room. 

At 4:00pm I asked to be checked. At that point I was on my birth ball and in a world of pain. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could do it. When the midwife came in and checked she told me I was at 7 centimeters. I laid on the bed thinking there was no way in hell I would have been able to stay at home until this point like I had planned. I had wanted to labor at home for as long as possible and head to the birth center around 7 or 8 centimeters. I think I would have panicked long before this point if I had been at home. I remember telling anyone in the room that would listen that I couldn’t do it much longer. I repeatedly said that it hurt really badly and I couldn’t do it. Evan was behind me in a chair and I was on the birth ball. I leaned back onto him during each contraction. I don’t know if I looked like I was having a difficult time or if it was because I kept saying I couldn’t do it but with every lean back he would whisper in my ear and tell me how strong I was. Hearing him tell me I was doing well was what I needed. It was still awful but I thought if Evan believed in me then I must be able to do it. I asked how long they thought I would be in labor and my doula told me at least two more hours. I looked up at the clock and cried. Contractions came and went and I looked at the clock again. It had only been ten minutes. I thought  to myself “Shit. It’s been ten minutes how the hell can I do this for two more hours?!.”  

After spending almost two hours on the birth ball I decided to go on my hands and knees on the hospital bed. The hospital bed had a setting where the bottom part dropped down and you could sit on the top part with your feet on the bottom part sort of like a chair if that makes sense. So on all fours my knees were on the lower part of the bed while I leaned over the top. I asked Evan for the ultrasound picture of our daughter. I laid that picture on the pillow in front of me and with every contraction I kept telling myself this was all for her. If I could just make it through this contraction I would be one step closer to meeting the sweet baby in the picture. I’m not sure how long I was in this position before I told them I felt like I had to push. My doula told me to wait for the midwife. There was a shift change. I heard them whispering the name of the midwife that was on her way. The second I heard her name I felt so defeated. I knew I was going to end up getting a cesarean. This midwife was the only one during my pregnancy who brought up complications that were going to happen because of my weight. She never spoke to me as though they could happen, it was always they will happen. I had proven her to be wrong up until this point. I was so worried that with the first little thing to go wrong she would tell me I was done and I would have to go to surgery. After those fleeting negative thoughts I remembered the picture on my desk top. It said “Wake up every morning and tell yourself you’re a bad ass bitch from hell and no one can fuck with you. And then don’t let anyone fuck with you.” I pushed all the negativity out and said to myself “You are a bad ass bitch from hell. Do not let her fuck with you. You can do this. Suck it up and do it.” When the midwife came in she checked me and told me I wasn’t ready to push but I told her I had to. She asked me to wait and I was there on the bed wondering how to stop myself from pushing without totally screwing up the labor process. I didn’t understand and I still don’t understand. I don’t get how you can just hold in a baby as if you’re holding in your pee. I pushed. I said it again “I seriously have to push. I can’t not do it.” I heard my doula say “Okay then push.” With her support I started pushing with each contraction. I looked at the clock and it was 6:00pm. I was mad. They told me it would be at least two hours. I had it in my head that by this time I would be holding my baby. I pushed as hard as I possibly could and my God did it hurt. I was pushing, and pushing, and pushing and I finally started yelling at everyone. I yelled “CUT HER OUR OF ME.” I screamed. I screamed and my doula told me to focus. She said “Bring it back in. Control it.” Evan remembered something I had researched. I read that loud noises contract everything tight and low noises open everything up. I heard him say “Growl, Felicia. Get low.” So I did. I made super weird low growling sounds I have never made in my life. I tried to practice these sounds a few weeks earlier but I felt stupid so I gave up on it. I took a deep breath as I felt the contraction growing and as it peaked I pushed my body toward the midwife and growled. I heard the nurses sounding happy with their chatter and my doula said “Yes!! Get mad at it. That’s it.” I continued growling and pushing for what seemed like an eternity.  Evan left to get me more water and when he left I started screaming again. He told me he could hear me from the nurses station, which was pretty far from our room. Again and at least twenty other times I yelled “JUST CUT HER OUT!!” I kept telling them I couldn’t do it and every time I said “This really hurts!” the midwife would say “Well yeah Felicia, it does hurt.” When Evan came back I told him I needed medication and that I couldn’t do it any more. He and my doula both told me I had to be the one to ask. I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want to be the one to give up. I told them again that it hurt and I couldn’t do it. My doula said “You’re scared. Stop being scared. Stop fighting it. You can do it, you’re just scared.” I realized she was right. I was scared. I was never in labor before. I never felt contractions before. I never pushed out a baby before. I prepared myself for every part of labor and delivery. I researched terminology and knew almost every procedure they would try to do. I remembered I had a right to say no and that they were not in charge of my birth. It was MY birth. What I didn’t prepare for was the pain. But how do you even prepare for something you can’t even begin to comprehend? I had never even broken a bone before. I had no idea how badly labor would hurt. I was scared and I had a right to be. I thought back to my desk top. “You’re a bad ass bitch from hell. You are a bad ass. You can do this.” The growling continued and I got back into my groove. I was doing well but I was totally exhausted. I fell asleep between every contraction and I only opened my eyes to look at Evan. I remember I looked over at him because I couldn’t take it anymore. Evan must have seen in my eyes that I was ready to give up. He grabbed my face and said “You are so strong. You can do this. I’m so proud of you.”

I was doing well until I thought I was going to poop. The midwife told me it was fine and all the nurses said it wasn’t a big deal but I was on all fours and I thought if I pooped it was going to go everywhere. Worrying about pooping hindered me and I needed to switch positions. I layed on my left side while Evan held my right leg up. When I was in this position the midwife told me she had to move my cervix because it was in the way. She told me it would feel like being checked for dilation and that she had to wait for a contraction. With the next contraction she put her hand inside me and moved my cervix. It hurt a lot worse than being checked for dilation. I remember looking at her straight in the eye and saying “OW!” as if my whining would make her stop. I laid there on my side and continued to push like that for an unknown amount of time until I heard the midwife say “I can see a head and there’s a lot of hair.” I yelled “WHAT?! You see the baby?! Am I seriously about to have a baby?!” I looked at Evan and he was crying. Later he told me that once someone could actually see her he realized it was real. You know that saying that women become mothers the moment they are pregnant but men don’t become dads until they hold their child. Evan became a Dad at that moment. He was so happy. I don’t think I have ever seen him that happy. The nurse on my left told me I could reach down to touch the head. This was in my birth plan and I was glad she asked but I said no. She said this was my only chance and I could do it but it grossed me out too much to actually feel a baby down there. I pushed so many times . I was sick of waiting to have my baby in my arms. I felt the burning and I knew it was almost time. I knew the burning was her head coming out and I knew that the moment I felt like I couldn’t continue was the moment she would be out. I have no clue how many more times I pushed but eventually she was lifted out and placed on my stomach. She was perfect. I asked if it was a girl and once they said yes I counted her fingers and toes and told her happy birthday. I kissed her on the head and said “We did it, baby girl. We did it.” Coraline Paige was born at 8:14pm on Valentine’s Day. I was in the hospital and had to have antibiotics and pitocin but I didn’t get anything for the pain and it was an overall positive experience. Pushing for two hours sucked but in the end I got my Valentine’s baby.

The rest was a total blur. Evan cut the cord, my doula took pictures, I was in complete shock. I remember that they said my body had taken over and I wasn’t on pitocin but they turned it back on to deliver the placenta. I told them to make sure no one took the placenta because I was taking it home to be encapsulated. At some point they took my baby to be measured and weighed and I think that’s when I was getting stitched up. They gave her back to me and covered us up. I think they tried to clean the floor a little bit while Evan went out to tell our family that she was here.

Things that happened but I don’t know where they fit in:

-At some point during labor the wireless monitors were not picking anything up and there was trouble with my daughter’s heart beat. I was asked if I wanted internal monitoring and I had remembered that I didn’t but I couldn’t remember why so I just agreed because I thought a cord inside me would be much more tolerable than those annoying plastic circles and a huge piece of gauze around my stomach. I think this was when I was on all fours but I don’t quite remember the time line of everything.

-I threw up twice once I was on my side pushing but I don’t know if it was towards the beginning or end.

-The antibiotics for GBS burned so badly I was in tears until my arm was covered with a wet wash cloth. 

-When it was all over I opened my eyes and realized how many people were in the room. I think there was Evan, the midwife, Doula, and three nurses. I said hello to all of them and apologized for not paying attention to them during the labor process.

-The entire time I was in labor I asked Evan if he was okay and if he needed anything. I was worried about him passing out or not being able to take seeing me in pain. He surpassed every expectation and was completely amazing. 

-The first set of numbing shots before getting stitched up didn’t work and I felt the first few stitches. After telling her to stop and trying to wiggle away the midwife gave me three more shots of numbing stuff and then continued.

-I didn’t realize how warm the amniotic fluid would be or how much there was. My water breaking was a little trickle so as it gushed down my legs during labor I was completely disgusted. I remember the nurses laughing at me because I sat there saying “Ew” over and over again. 

There it is. My birth story. The hospital wasn’t what I wanted but it wasn't the total hell I had imagined. After being in a delivery room in the birth center for my postpartum check up I realized I probably wouldn’t have been able to deliver there. With my anxiety I think I would have panicked and needed the hospital because my pessimist mind wouldn’t have felt safe. I think for our next child, if we’re blessed to have another baby, I will plan on a hospital birth from the begging. I think having the midwives and a doula helped me get the birth I wanted. I’m about 90% sure that if I had an OB there’s no way I would have been allowed to labor and push for as long as I did. 

 

 

Written by Felicia T., momma of a beautiful little girl from Reading, Pennsylvania. She is a Domestic Goddess for a living and a human rights activist. Today, Coraline Paige is 5 months old!

My Birth Story

 I wrote this back in August 2012, so some stuff is out of date (like my son is obviously no longer 10 months old lol) but everything else still applies.


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On September 24, which was a Saturday, I woke up to pee for the 8,956th time overnight at about 4am, and noticed I was leaking a little bit. I had been leaking randomly, contracting randomly, etc for weeks (TMI, sorry) so I paid it no mind and went back to bed.

At about noon, we were getting ready to head out to my parents house because Hubs had promised my little brother a driving lesson, when I got a really sharp pain that seemed to envelope my entire abdomen. That wouldn't have been a big deal, since I was used to random evil pains at this point, except this pain lasted 30 minutes straight. I was crying by the time it was over. I decided we should stop in at the hospital before we went to my parents, if only so they could assure me I was having my 48th false alarm before we went on with our day.

Lo and behold, my water was broken. Well, not broken. "Ruptured". Trickling.

And I was dilated a whole 1/2 cm.

I was immediately super excited and terrified, though excited won out in spades. We called our parents, and of course EVERYONE came over right away.

I was admitted, and put on an external monitor. The pain was pretty bad, to the point that my dad had to get up and leave because he couldn't stand to see me like that. I was checked a couple of times, and I remember thinking I was going to die during the cervical checks. Literally. I was making my peace because I was certain the pain of those checks was going to throw me into shock and my heart was going to suddenly stop beating. The labor was nothing compared to those checks.

I wasn't progressing, so at about 7:30pm (having been in labor for over 15 hours at this point), the nurses inserted something called Cervadil in "there", after much resistance from me (I wanted ZERO intervention if at all possible, and EVERYTHING the nurses suggested was met with resistance, FYI). It was basically a piece of paper with hormones in it meant to help my cervix dilate (open) and efface (thin out) over 12 hours. I was told to get some rest (yeah right) because tomorrow, I would be able to start pushing and I needed to conserve as much strength and energy as possible.

When I woke up the next morning (I say "woke up" loosely, I didn't sleep much thanks to the damned blood pressure cuff trying to murder me every hour and the random nurses walking in and out of the room to adjust the monitor). I was checked again, and I was only 1cm dilated. 12 hours of Cervadil got me a whole 1/2cm. I was told that I had to get on Pitocin, regardless of my protests, because it had been over 24 hours since my labor started and I had to help the baby (ha!) in order to avoid a c-section, which is my absolute greatest fear. So in goes the Pitocin.

I tried to nap since I slept so crap the night before, but I was woken from my nap to a nurse half yelling at me that I needed an internal monitor because they lost the baby on the external. BEGIN PANIC. I was terrified not only of the monitor, but the fact that THEY were so panicked about the baby. The contraption was so painful and uncomfortable, imagine a huge long spatula IN YOU then laying on your thigh. That's
how big this thing was (Bu STILL has a scar on his head from the monitor, btw, and he's 10 months old now). They finished rupturing my bag of waters to put it in, and the party really got going.

I had more cervical checks. I have to say, now almost a year postpartum, I don't remember what the pain of the labor OR the checks felt like, but I remember the screaming. I remember hearing myself scream and being so delirious that I was sure it must have been someone else because I couldn't even scream like that. It's incredible the things the mind remembers (and forgets) in order to protect oneself.

At some point in the late morning/early afternoon of September 25, I had some sort of epiphany. I said to myself "you're scared, and you're letting the pain take you over. You need to take over the pain, or you'll never get through this. Do it for the baby." So I started breathing. Mind you, I never took a single labor class (maybe I should have), so I had no basis for what to do. I just did it. Every time I felt the wave about to hit me, I barged into it instead of fighting it. I spread my hands in front of me, requested that no one touch me, and I just breathed. I was deep in concentration, and I hadn't realized that the contractions had more than tripled in strength according to the monitor.

I started to really feel like I was kicking this labor's butt! I felt strong and powerful. 38 hours into the labor, I was checked again, and I was so thankful to hear that I was now 3cm dilated and completely effaced! It was working! It was slow going, but it was working! I was on the right track! And still no pain meds! I would meet my baby soon, and he would be alert and recognize his momma immediately and everything would be perfect. I asked the
nurses how much worse I could expect the contractions to get, and they told me that based on what they saw on the monitor, I was having transition-like strength contractions already. My body was ready for delivery with the exception of my cervix (a pretty important bit LOL) so I shouldn't feel much worse at all.

I felt a second wind come over me! It wouldn't get much worse than this, and I was making progress! I was Wonder Woman! I just kept breathing, with my husband, mother, and grandmother in awe that I was doing so well considering the wreck I'd been for so many hours prior. I got a new nurse (my 4th or 5th, I believe) who was schooled in natural deliveries and minimal interventions. I felt this was fate encouraging me and I knew I was doing better than anyone expected, so I was relieved and ready to fight.

At 44 hours, I had another cervical check. I hadn't moved one centimeter. Not even half a centimeter. In 6 HOURS. The 6 hours where I was feeling like this labor was my bitch. I felt so defeated. As if that wasn't bad enough, my doctor walked in (the doctor, by the way, was second to last on the list-of-doctors-I-hope-will-deliver-me because she always seemed so clueless and incompetent during my office visits with her. The only doctor UNDER her in the list was a fat-phobic asshole who was an absolute nightmare both as a person and a doctor) and let me know that she'd waited long enough and I needed to have a c-section. I threw up.

A nurse came in and tried to put me in different positions (I had labored sitting the whole time because I couldn't take being on my back), but I was already defeated. I felt like the hospital was just toying with me now, to teach me a lesson (I was delirious, ok?). I was already doomed to a c-section, what could I possibly do in the next hour
that I hadn't already done for over 40 that would allow me a vaginal birth?

I barfed again on the way to the operating room. All over my cute custom delivery gown. I remained in that gown for the delivery, FYI. So I was covered in barf when my son was born. Cute.

I was shaking and crying the whole way to the operating room, and telling literally EVERY SINGLE PERSON I came in contact with that I was "SO SCARED". Some people tried to reassure me, others ignored me because they had work to do (probably for the best), but I promise not ONE person in that operating room was spared an "I'm so scared! ::SOB::" and there are a LOT of people in an OR for a c-section. They gave me a spinal (so I ended up with an epidural anyway) and I immediately felt my toes go numb, which scared the hell out of me (even more). I realized I could not move my toes, and I started uncontrollably shaking. I'm talking have-to-be-held-down, violent shakes. My husband was allowed into the room and he sat next to me while they did their thing. I heard the baby cry, and the doctor say "It's a boy!".

My first thought? "I know."

Ugh, I was so out of my mind.

Then I saw him. And I cried. My husband turned to me and said "It's our little boy!"

And I vomited. On his bare foot. Never wear flip-flops into an OR, people.

I know looking back I was really lucky that I got that doctor because she was a bit of a pushover, and every time I argued that I wanted another hour, and another and another, to see if I could do this naturally, she allowed it until the last possible moment. If I had gotten either of the 2 doctors I was hoping for, I would have been on the operating table just hours after being admitted, not days. It can be argued that I ended up on the operating table anyway, but it was MY CHOICE to have such a long labor, and she allowed me that choice. I couldn't be more grateful to her for that.

And so, the absolute light of my life and reason for being came into this world 3 days after I entered the hospital, after 46 hours of unmedicated labor.  It's definitely a story, and an extraordinary experience. And believe it or not, I wouldn't have had it any other way.


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My Thoughts as a Pregnant Woman about Forgiving Myself

This is a post I wrote on the blog I was keeping throughout my pregnancy...little did I know that less 24 hours later, I would be admitted to the hospital and induced into labor...another story for another day. But this post is an example of how sometimes in pregnancy, like in any other aspect of life, things may not go how you plan and you have to accept that it's not always your fault, especially if you know and do your best.

 

Maybe not an epiphany, but…

…definitely a tough realization. I had “it” last night while talking to my sister…it was one of those things where you talk and talk so much that eventually something profound pops out of your mouth without even thinking about it.

I was explaining to my sister all the reasons why I want a completely unmedicated birth (in no particular order):
1) I want to avoid the slippery slope of unnecessary interventions. For example, if you are induced and they start you on Pitocin, your body is forced to labor before it is ready, which leads to much stronger and more painful contractions than you might have actually had if you had avoided the drugs. Now that the pain is SO strong, you feel like you need an Epidural, so you get one. the thing about an epidural (or any pain medication) is that it slows down your contractions, and before you know it, you’re being given MORE pitocin because you’ve plateaued or slowed down more than the hospital would like. The pain is back full force, so you get more pain medication. Lo and behold, the doctor walks in and tells you that the baby’s heartbeat has slowed/risen/become erratic, etc. and now you need an emergency c-section. What they won’t tell you is that the heartbeat got like that because the baby couldn’t handle the constant changes in the uterus due to the medications.  Now your baby is in danger and you need emergency surgery just because of one intervention that didn’t even need to happen.
2) It’s safer for the baby to labor naturally, not just because of the reasons I listed above, but because every medication you could be given (and there are LOTS of kinds, not just pitocin or an epidural) can leave your baby in a stupor for hours, even days after birth. I would rather bond with a baby that is more alert than know he has no clue who I am because I made sure he was born zonked out.
3) the most important reason in my gut is that I VALUE the hard work and dedication it takes to give birth naturally. I don’t know if it’s this city and it’s “get in, get out, get on with life” superficiality, or what…but there is ZERO support here for mothers that want to go natural. You’re likelier to be told you’re insane for trying (even by other moms) than receive any sort of support. There’s no natural-method birthing classes in the entire county, insurance doesn’t cover midwives (if you can FIND one), there’s no resources on cloth diapering or baby wearing…even breast-feeding past 3 months is weird and taboo here. I’ve spoken to two OBs and even hospital staff regarding my wishes for a natural birth, and every SINGLE time, I was answered that all my requests would depend on what drug(s) I was on at that particular stage of labor. So literally EVERY person I spoke to regarding my birth assumed that I would have some sort of drugs at some point of the labor, even when I had prefaced the conversation with “I want a natural birth, so…”

 I mentioned that earlier this week, I had a breakdown because I was so frustrated with the anxiety of the upcoming birth and not being able to plan for everything because every time I spoke to someone else about my birth plan, I was told at least a couple more things I could not count on having. While I was talking to my sister, I realized that my problem was the planning. I desperately want a natural, drug-free birth, but the fact is that all the books I’ve read on the topic and all the videos I’ve watched to prepare all assume that I will be among supportive people in an environment suitable for natural labor and delivery.

I am not. And I will not. And as much as I blame myself for that, it is unreasonable to because there’s nothing I can do about it.

The hospital requires continuous fetal monitoring. They don’t have wireless OR waterproof monitors. This means that once I am admitted to the hospital, I will literally be strapped to a bed in one position until I have the baby. In my original birth plan, I wanted to labor in a tub, or at least in a shower because I’ve found throughout the pregnancy that all my pains can be eased substantially with warm water. Well, there ARE no tubs, and I am not ALLOWED to shower until after the baby is out, “considering whatever drugs you’re on have worn off at that point”. Why? “Hospital rules.” That’s it. I’ve not once been given a legit medical reason why I can’t do X, Y, Z…all I get is “it’s hospital policy and they’re not flexible” which is basically they’re way of saying “don’t try to fight us on this, you’re going to lose.” In fact, I was even told by one of the doctors that if I want to labor in the shower, I better “stay at home as long as possible”. Hmm.

Because the hospital requires continuous monitoring, I am also not allowed to walk, squat, or otherwise change position at all because I cannot take the monitor off. Every resource I’ve come across says that changing positions can be the difference between tolerable and intolerable contractions, and that laying on your back is the absolute WORST and most PAINFUL way to labor. Well, that’s apparently the only choice I have.

I’ve been mentally preparing for the fact that labor is going to be hard and painful and will require a LOT of determination on my part, but that’s considering that I’d have the ability to labor in a way that would encourage or facilitate what I want/need. In my current situation, I’m fighting an uphill battle because I’m putting pressure on myself to do something that’s ALREADY so difficult, PLUS I have the hospital policy pushing back at me. It’s an uphill battle at best.

So what conclusion did I come to?

I cannot plan. I should not worry. I am as prepared as I can be, but I do not know what to expect, and I shouldn’t expect anything because it will only lead to disappointment if/when things don’t go the way I thought they would.

So I am still going to do my best to cope with the pain naturally using the techniques that I have been focusing on for months. But I am also trying to come to peace with the fact that I might feel I need pain medication, and that I shouldn’t hate myself or feel disappointed if I go that path. As it is right now, I know I will feel like an absolute failure if I opt for pain medication, but I realize I need to cut myself some slack because the hospital is literally making everything as backwards to what I need as they can, and there’s nothing I can do about that.

As soon as I said out loud to my sister that I should try to forgive myself in advance in case I DO opt for pain medications, a calm came over me. As long as Bu gets here healthy, I should focus on that and not HOW he got here, though I do still feel it’s so important to do my best and go natural for the both of us. I’m not 100% ok with being this flexible yet, but I can’t  regret something I haven’t even done yet, and if I DO do it, I can only use it as a learning experience for next time.

And by next time, I mean I am NEVER setting foot in an OB or hospital again when it comes to having children. I must find support for a more natural path here, otherwise I foresee all of Bu’s future siblings being born outside this city. This pregnancy has made so many beautiful things in my life, but it has also made me deeply dislike this city and it’s attitude, and I’d love nothing more than to give my children a chance to live AWAY from it and it’s influence.

Factors for VBAC success, Part 1/2

In this post, I will discuss why each of the following factors are important in VBAC success:

*reasons for previous c-sections
*arriving at the hospital as late into labor as possible
*not having continuous fetal monitoring
*epidural as late as possible into the labor, if at all
*no induction or acceleration
*previous vaginal birth

*Reasons for previous cesareans
If previous cesareans happened because of something unlikely to reoccur, like the baby being breech (which is a whole other topic, and I will be featuring both facts on breech babies and a couple of guest post on the topic next month), you have a pretty good chance of a successful VBAC. Something like CPD (a medical condition where one's pelvis is actually too small to allow a baby to pass) can make a VBAC more difficult, but it is still not impossible. According to The VBAC Handbook, as many as 2/3 of women with CPD that attempt VBACs are successful!

*Arriving at the hospital as late into labor as possible
The reason for this is simple. The longer you labor at home, the less opportunity the hospital/doctors/nurses have to "help" you with a cascade of interventions that could just lead to a RCS.

*Not having continuous fetal monitoring
Continuous monitoring restricts your mobility, which is a huge problem because being able to move around in labor is a necessity to help labor progress. You might also experience more pain/discomfort constantly laying on your back because you're stuck in bed, hooked up to a monitor. 15 minutes an hour is more than sufficient to give care providers an idea of how baby is doing, and then momma can focus the other 45 minutes of the hour on LABORING how she's most comfortable. Another reason to avoid monitoring if you can help it is that results are often misread, which leads to more cesareans unnecessarily.

*Epidural as late as possible into the labor, if at all
Epidurals usually require continuous fetal monitoring so that the laboring moms lowered blood pressure (a side effect of the epidural) can be checked regularly, along with it's effect on the baby. Because you don't want CFM (see above), you should wait as late as you can to get the epidural, if you get one at all. Epidurals have also been shown to stall labor.

*No induction or acceleration
Any sort of induction or acceleration of labor, including artificial rupture of membranes (AROM, or having your water broken) can raise the risk of the previous cesarean scar "unzipping". Some doctors might want to administer pitocin once a labor really gets going to speed things up, but be aware of the risks before you consent to ANY sort of augmentation!!!

*Previous vaginal birth
If you have had a vaginal birth before your cesarean, you are likelier to have a successful VBAC. You are also likelier to have a successful VBAC if you've already had a VBAC! Crazy, huh? ;) Not much help for mommas like me, that had an unnecesarean right out of the gate, but perhaps good news for other mommas out there!


The next post will finish up the list of factors and the reasons behind them. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the list so far!

It's called an ESTIMATED Due Date!

Guest Post: "Homebirth after 3 c-sections- my journey to the birth I never knew I could have!"

My Homebirth: Vbac after Three Cesareans

I know my birth story needs to start with my first birth. This is going to be long, it has taken me forever to write it and I could still add much more. Sit back, relax and enjoy the stories LOL

  I was young, just 15 when I found out I was pregnant. I started going to the ob that was recommended to me by my step mom and did what they told me to do. I gained 85 lbs and that was really the only bad thing with my pregnancy. I never looked up childbirth nor did I take any classes. I just waited to go into labor. As soon as I thought the braxton hicks were real my mom and I went into the hospital. Three times I went in, was kept 12 or so hours each time, and then sent home.

 Nobody ever explained what the real contractions would be like, so every time the braxton hicks were normal I went in. The fourth time I went into the hospital the ob came in and said "OK were going to make you have this baby". I was just 38 weeks and didn’t know any better. She said they could induce me and well… I went along with it excited to see my little one and never knowing the risks of being induced or even thinking it wasn’t a good idea. So we started with cervadil, it didn’t work so they used pitocin, and then more cervadil.

They wouldn’t let me walk the halls or even take a shower so I laid in bed... Waiting and waiting for my labor to pick up. I finally hit 3 cm and the ob came in and said she could break my water and she did. Everything was supposed to pick up after that happened and it really didn’t.

Throughout the three days I was in the hospital before he was born the ob was so busy I had barely even seen her. She had almost every birth on the floor all three days, it was ridiculous. Everyone was having a baby accept me!

On the evening on the 28th they came in and said, "Your bp is to high, his heart rate is deceling, and you need to have a cs. Your labor isn’t progressing!" I don’t remember them checking me past noon that day and of course that’s when I had my epidural because they said "Oh.. if you don’t get it now you won’t be able to later". They said at noon, I was still 3 cm. When they got me rushed in for an emergency c-section my mom went in with me and it was the worst experience. I know they gave me the epi before they started, but I felt the cutting the left side of my stomach. I told her and she said "OH no it’s just pressure.". I had to convince her that I could feel the knife. She stopped and they gave me more in my epi and then it’s all a blur from there. I wound up with a hernia from her cutting crookedly.

I remember once they got to the baby, they had to tilt to table with my head to the floor.  The doc got onto a stool to pull him out. Of course that gave them suspicion of possible cpd since his head was stuck!... Now I know his head was molding; but no... they didn’t want to admit I was further then 3 cm because it was 6pm and my ob wanted to go home! I truly believe it was a matter of patience and I had been induced to long.

Because of the cs I had a horrible disconnect with my son for the first month it was hard for me to call myself mom to him.. I never remembered seeing him after he was born, not until after recovery. While I was in the OR I remember seeing him in the incubator but never kissed him, touched him, I don't even remember seeing him after he was delivered. It was the worse experience I had and I always thought oh the ob did the best thing and he needed to get out blah blah blah but in all reality if I wasn’t induced, I know it wouldn’t have ended in a unnecessary csection.

Of course knowing it was unnecessary didn’t come till this pregnancy.

Fast Forward 4.5 yrs Mike and I were ready for another baby and I took the advice of a friend and went to her ob. A new doc that I thought would understand and even suggested vbac to me. I went through my pg again with no problems even barely gained but 30lbs.

The paper the ob gave me on vbac was simple and of course stating the risks but I still wanted to try. He explained to me that vbacs are great but the risk is much higher past 39 weeks and would allow me till then to vbac.

At the time I was working, in school full time, and pregnant. I didn’t do any research on my own just waited for labor to start. Going through my pregnancy just so busy with everything; I never thought to research vbac more, the docs know what they are talking about right? 39 weeks is term in their book and I was having Braxton hicks with my first at about 37 weeks, so I thought I had a chance.

38 weeks 4 days I am getting desperate. I wanted my vbac so bad I tried castor oil. Apparently it wasn’t enough because it didn’t do anything for me, but I went in to the hospital with the irregular contractions that I was having, in hopes it would progress into my vbac. The ob told me we know we aren’t inducing since you had that with your first and it didn’t work. So relax and get some rest we will see how you’re progressing in the morning and go from there. The nurse came in and told me to take this pill it would relax me and let me rest so when its go time in the morning I won’t be exhausted. At the time again.. No research and I wasn’t really natural minded. I took the pill and slept all night.

The next morning I was still 1cm and my contractions stopped. So, the ob came in and said we can have a cs today or Tuesday. Well of course, Tuesday was my father in laws birthday and my first son was born on my sister’s birthday so I said today. We were already in the hospital, I was sick of being pregnant, and really thought I was broken. My contractions stopped and my dilation was the same. So off to the best cs in my life, it was nice and calm. I was more ok with the cs I had with Mark. I chatted with the ob the whole time during my cs. When they pulled him out, he had the cord around his neck once. He was brought over to me and I remember seeing him being held up and then Mike holding him next to me. It was great that it wasn’t a rush, horrible experience like with Ryan. The ob even got rid of my little hernia that I had on the left side where the first ob cut me when I told her I could feel it.

I thought my recovery was better than with Ryan but still I hated that I had another cs. At that point I was done, I really believed that I didn’t work; I was doomed for cs when we had more kids. I didn’t have trauma from this cs like I did with Ryan, but it still made me feel like a failure.

December of 2007 my 3rd child was due, I got pregnant one month after my period came back and knew exactly when we conceived. This was going to be repeat cs because nobody gives you the ok to vbac. I never knew vbac’s after multiple cs were possible. I wish I would have done research!  I went my whole pregnancy with complications that could have been prevented. During my pregnancy they changed my due date and it was originally December 5th and because of his size “they knew my due date was wrong” so it went up to Nov 24th and again I was wrong.

 I was stressed more then I can explain due to job, responsibilities, and extra family members living with me. It got to a point where I would come home from dealing with the stress and lay around and do nothing. Didn’t want to play with my kids, go outside and walk, or even clean my house. My husband did it all he was superman while I was pregnant with Evan. I eventually got a blood clot from the lack of movement and started having to get injections of lovenox. I did what the ob told me to!  Twice a day I had injections, it was the worst thing for me. I even passed out and stabbed myself with the needle trying to give myself the shot.

The last 3 months of my pregnancy were filled with stress, shots and no energy! I eventually got fed up with the family situation and we moved. It ended up being 1 week before he was born and during that whole week I was sooo busy working on getting the house unpacked and organized. It was the most work I had done my whole pregnancy it seemed.

Nov 12th, My mom came into town to help; and we were working extra hard to get the last few things finished of the babies. I wasn’t eating the way I should have been, not drinking enough water, and had I known all these things played into early labor; I wouldn’t have called the stupid hospital! I noticed that evening I was having contractions that I thought were real. I never had real contractions before, and so, I called. I realized I was having leg cramps, back pain and the contractions. We didn’t think oh.. drink some water and take a bath maybe you have just done to much. Nope, we called the hospital and they said your clot could be moving get in here ASAP. So we did, but it was 2 hrs later because we had to get the kids situated and then drive 40 minutes to the stupid hospital. They were calling me all the time telling me to hurry up, and we were, but still 2 kids to drop off, hospital bag to get ready...ect...  It takes time!

 When we got in they said oh yeah you’re having little contractions, and I was 1 cm dilated. They told my husband you cannot be in the O.R. at all because the risks with her clot moving. They knocked me out all the way. It was horrible I have no recollection of anything accept waking up in the hall.

When they wheeled me into the hall, my mom told me that my husband in the NICU with the baby because he had black hands and feet and wasn’t breathing well in the nursery; so they moved him to the NICU. They told us it was a good thing we came in or he wouldn’t have made it! I didn’t need any extra blood and everything was fine besides the rushed cs. Also because of my clot they told me they needed to cut my external incision as a classical and my uterus would be cut horizontal like the others. He said this would decrease the risk of infection for my incision and it would heal faster. Honestly at the time I didn’t question I was uneducated and didn’t know I could question the people who are there to protect and take care of me. I had no idea I could say "No! I want my husband in there no matter what!" I want to be awake no matter what could happen, and I really wish I would have been more educated, because it could have been so different.

Because of the due date change he was really just almost 36 weeks, and they charted because of the new due date he was 37 weeks. He was on a ventilator and in the NICU for 11 days. They wheeled me past the NICU and into my room. Once they got me transferred to my bed, I asked when I could see him. They said "OH! They could have wheeled you in there, but now you can’t since you’re on the regular bed". I asked to go onto the OR bed again and be taken to see him but that wasn’t possible. Again didn’t fight the hospital and say "I want to see him NOW!"  My aunt went to Walgreens and printed pictures for me to have since I couldn’t go see him. It was horrible being stuck waiting to be with him.  I didn’t get to see him until he was 12 hrs old. Once I was able to go in there I couldn’t touch him because they said he can’t handle the interaction. At 5 days old I was finally able to hold him. I always asked and begged them but nope! He was a whole day old before I could even touch him, and of course, I now know that is the biggest thing babies need is their mothers touch.

I felt for a while that I failed as a mother because I could have changed all these things had I been educated and persistent.

After 11 days we went home, he was great at breastfeeding which I was so worried about. On Christmas Eve when he was 6 weeks old he stopped breathing and we ended up with another hospital stay; of another 11 days. He was transferred an hour away to a children’s hospital. He had bradycardia(low heart rate), rsv(infection a preemie  gets) and acid reflux. They put him on a heart monitor, and we had that for 8 months. All because the stupid doctor changed my due date and he was super early. Had I known my stress and dehydration causes bh contractions I would have taken a bath and drank a ton of water before calling. He wouldn’t have been so early if they would have said oh its bh go home your ok… but no… they see a reason to charge even more on a delivery and they jump at it!  My ob had one of the highest cs rates in the area. Of course I know this now, but not then! But, ok I am done, as I really could go on and on, which would be 20 pages long if I included everything!

Fast forward 3 yrs and we find out were expecting again!  Hoping for a girl and since my best friend had passed away the month before I really had a feeling this was a girl. I just knew, still had doubts. But I knew it was meant to be! I fully planned on calling my ob and making an appointment knowing it would be another cs. I was talking with my friend on the phone and she knew I hadn’t made any appointments yet but she said why don’t you vbac.  Are you crazy?? Why could I VBAC? I started explaining all the issues and problems my body had going into labor with my first, and how I was broken and that my labor had stopped with my vbac attempt. See I can’t do it! She got sooo mad at me for saying I couldn’t do it. It really made me mad that she knew I could VBAC, but I knew I was broken and couldn’t VBAC! So I argued with her about knowing how broken I was; and why this would never be something I could do. At that time she also mentioned the new ICAN group about 45 minutes from my house. I told her I would look into it, but that I didn’t think I could vbac because I’ve had 3 cs and they were all needed.

In my eyes at that time I still was saved by the ob’s for giving me c-sections after my son couldn’t handle the labor; and of course because my labor stopped with my 2nd.  Oh and my 3rd had they not cut him out then he wouldn’t have made it because he had such a hard time handling the outside. This was the ridiculous things I thought in the beginning of my 4th pregnancy.

After I got off the phone with her I seriously started researching. She made me so mad telling me I shouldn’t be negative and I can VBAC… who was she to tell me I could vbac? She never had a cs before, and never had experience with vbac. I wanted to prove her wrong even though I started thinking... What if I could vbac? Research brought me to ICAN, youtube and various birth videos in which most I would sit and bawl my eyes out. If other woman felt broken and then vbac’d maybe I can do this. I found every vbac video and story especially vbac for multiple cs online, went to the ICAN meeting and talked to people, and learned I could do this! I knew I couldn’t attempt this without my husband and we talk about everything. I made him read the articles, research, studies, and birth stories right along with me. It was amazing the support he had for me to vbac.

Knowing we couldn’t vbac in a hospital I knew the perfect person to call. I have been a long time member of a natural parenting group and knew several women who had homebirths, and knew of a homebirth midwife in our group, and several doulas. I called the only homebirth midwife in my area, she told me to get my medical records and we would have a meeting. We could go over how my previous births were.  This showed me where the hospital and ob’s really lied to me. Had I not been induced I wouldn’t have needed the cs, a vbac after 39 weeks is perfectly ok, but the ob didn’t say that! So 2nd cs it was. Nobody says a vbac after multiple c-sections is ok so Evan was repeat cs after they told me my due date was wrong when I knew the dates he could have been conceived. Then, them saying best we got him out when we did or something could have happened. UHHH He needed to cook longer people! Look at all the problems we’ve had since!

This brought up a lot of hate for my previous ob who I thought was great, until I started researching for this baby. It was hard for a while; knowing that had I been more educated, or researched with the boy’s pregnancies, I could have prevented this, but at the time I was busy working and school, so I was never online. I didn’t even own my own computer till after Ryan was born.



I know everything happens for a reason and I have always said that and I convinced myself that the c-sections were needed but I still felt broken. During my pregnancy I started going to the ICAN meetings in our area and eventually I became an ICAN Co leader when the group leader needed to step down. It is a support group for c-section mamas hoping for vbac or even woman wanting to prevent a c-section. I was really hesitant because I never had a vbac. Just 3cs and I felt "What if I didn’t get my vbac, and I was a co leader? How would that look?" Something felt out of place for a while with that but I didn’t want our group to get canceled. OK, OK, I can go on forever about this, but I should start on Julianne’s birth.

My pregnancy with her was amazing really; the only issue I had was the SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction)  and I went to the chiropractor weekly for that. I gained the least amount of weight from all my pregnancies, walked the most and ate the best. This was a great experience not having medical interference during my pregnancy. My due date was Feb 15th and we changed it a bit to match the conception dates. I would have been given a Feb 12th dd from the ob. Our midwife talked with us about everything that could happen and all the testing that is typically done. She told us it was our choice to choose which testing we wanted. She made me feel so confident in myself to have a natural childbirth and made childbirth seem so normal. Makes me think why oh why do the ob’s encourage induction and pain meds because the midwife model of care is so different. Being so natural minded since Evan was little I changed my thinking on so many things. Having a natural unmediated childbirth was something that I never feared about once my midwife had confidence in me. She explained that a woman’s body was meant to give birth and left unhindered it does work. That was something that took a while for me to swallow because for 10 yrs I was broken. My husband never understood the broken part of my feelings but when you’re told oh you don’t dilate or go into labor on your own what do you expect? I never thought that I could work had they left me to go into labor. That even though I made it not a big deal was a big hurdle to get over. Knowing and trusting in my body and in birth. I trusted my husband and midwife so it was just on me to trust that I CAN birth a baby without interventions.

Throughout my whole pregnancy I scoured for birth stories of other woman like me. I found so many stories on message boards and videos on youtube. I would spend my hours in the evening reading and researching. Something I never did with my other pregnancies and It built my confidence and trust in myself to see other woman who had gone through similar situations with even more c-sections then I had.  We went on through the pregnancy preparing, eating healthy and exercising.

Everyone asks me didn’t you worry about complications and rupture... What would you do if you had a problem? I never worried about the risk of uterine rupture or possible complications but I did feel as though I spent so much of my pregnancy explaining why we have chosen to have a homebirth and why it is better. Nobody believes you or when they do it is after you fight your way through it. Everyone is so brainwashed by the medical fields and horror birth stories. It is hard to explain why even after 3 c-sections I could have a vbac and the risk of rupture isn’t as high as the ob’s or hospital’s say. We always had a plan if we needed to transfer but that was never good enough. Thankfully I didn’t have to plead my case with my mother much more then telling her what research I found. I was so excited to be able to have her at home and not get cut open again. The recovery will be amazing and I was excited just waiting to have my baby.

Around Thanksgiving my husband had to choose his vacation weeks for 2011, he knew he wanted to pick 2 weeks during the time we were having the baby but since this was all natural we knew we couldn’t pick a date for sure. We went with 42 weeks because natural childbirth typically happens around 41ish weeks. Feb 20th was the original start date of my hubby’s vacation. I really put it in my mind that I will be about 42 weeks when I have her. I didn’t want to get to my due date and be disappointed in myself for not working… I prepared myself enough during my pregnancy knowing post dates is ok but never thought I would be that late. The 21st was the date I guessed for myself, my hubby thought the 26th. This of course was just our fun in guesstimating when I would have her and she will come when she is ready we knew that.

 On February 8th I started having contractions they were different then the Braxton hicks and having never been in real labor before I thought this was it. It was starting and I was excited. It continued until the 12th it was off and on contractions with cervical pain. At that time my husband took his vacation early because I was having such a hard time sitting comfortably and taking care of everything because of the spd. We really thought it was going to continue progressing. Even though it was not 42 weeks I had already been having off and on bh contractions so I convinced myself this was it. Mike took his vacation early and then everything stopped.

So, as much as we didn’t want to sit and wait for her to come that’s what we did. Days would go by with no contractions.. Everyone kept bugging us and asking anything yet? Have the baby yet? It was so frustrating to know we jumped the gun and he started his vacation early. We kept busy walking and doing things, getting the house finished and actually spending time together. It was really hard as the days past to wait. My due date came, went and went and went…… I was really emotional because I knew my baby and I were fine. Never once felt that she wasn’t ok. I was reassured that all the time from my mw and doula but just knowing you’re late and having that fear in the back of your mind was hard. ‘What if I really was broken? Why do I, of all people have to be so late? Why did we have mike take his vacation so early, how could I have not known and now his vacation is over and wasted. Even though it wasn’t it was just the fleeting thoughts, but it was emotional going day by day.

Mike and I played so many hands of rummy, and dice it was great. I had fun with all the game nights, but waiting was so hard. I waited 10 yrs for a girl, and now she doesn’t want to come see us; that’s how I felt sometimes. I knew when she was ready she would come. I did start losing my mucus plug but not much.

I was 42 w 3 days when I started asking what we can do. I didn’t want to intervene because of the interventions that led me to the cs in the first place. I looked into every natural induction method and just sat and talked about it. It was so emotional because we waited so long for her and knew everything was fine, knew post dates was ok and I really thought I prepared myself for post dates but realized at that time I didn’t. I was hesitant on doing anything at first and my mw talked about doing a stretch and sweep which is stripping your membranes. She only considers this after 42 weeks which I already was. Mike and I talked about it and he had already used all 3 weeks of his vacation, and was back at work. We both wanted her to be here with us so bad we figured it couldn’t hurt. It is a small intervention, with small risks, but we wanted to see if it would help me progress and while she did it I had a couple menstrual type cramps and that was the first time I felt that kind of contraction. She said at that point I was 2-3 cm and 90% effaced. We didn’t do any vaginal exams during my pregnancy so this was the first time I knew how dilated I was. I was excited and also felt that I should have been more dilated but it was ok. The next day I got a reflexology massage that is supposed to induce labor if you and the baby are ready. Only had a few contractions that night it was March 5th  I was 42 w 4 days and got the ok from my mw to get the massage. We were talking to the baby everyday telling her to come see us but she just wasn’t ready yet. I trusted my body and knew that she was fine.

 At this point I was so late I started getting cranky on my facebook and posting messages that I typically wouldn’t. Like www.haveyouhadyourbabyyet.com that was great.. So funny!  Also made sure to post studies about post dates and the birthwithout fear facebook page became my home. I could get reassurance I was doing what I was supposed to waiting for her to come. Mrs. BWF was also going through post dates at that time. She had her babies between 42-44 weeks so I stalked her page waiting. Waiting for her labor to kick in thinking reading about her would start mine. LOL silly I know.

Sunday morning March 6th I woke up at 7am and stood up out of bed and knew something was going on.  My water had broken or was leaking. I called my mw and said it was a partial rupture and I would keep leaking but everything is fine. "Keep hydrated and do regular things". I sat at the computer to post on my secret message board that I didn’t tell anyone about. I wanted to have someone to talk to about this on and off labor but I had so many people texting or calling asking when I was going to have this baby that I refused to post anything about my impending labor on my facebook. I got up from the computer and a huge gush of water came down. I was like "Oh WOW!" I had never experienced that before so I was really excited. I knew labor was coming soon! I was so glad to have my chux pads with me because I did not want that in my carpet! LOL

I didn’t have but maybe one or two contractions that whole day. My mw came and told me typically it can take 24-48 hrs for labor to start naturally if not messed with.  Everyone thinks; Oh My GOD! My water broke! I have to rush to the hospital right now! Just because your water breaks doesn’t always mean it’s going to be soon. It doesn’t always mean you’re going to get an infection, especially at home. The risk is the vaginal exams which my mw doesn’t do unless she thinks it’s necessary. So we waited...

Monday came and went... just some small contractions during the day but at night I would have good contractions. I would get up every hour to use the restroom, and notice I woke up from menstrual cramp type contractions. I never experienced these with the boys so it was all new to me. I made sure to talk with my doula who explained the difference, and Tuesday morning told me I could take a shower since I didn’t get much sleep. In the early stages of labor it can help slow down the contractions enough to get some rest. I showered at 7:30, ate something and was able to sleep till 10:30. I didn’t wake up with contractions but I did notice them throughout the day maybe like 20-30 mins apart. They weren’t the bh contractions anymore.

Come 2:00 I was so tired and I just wanted to sleep, I lay down and it would hurt worse! I got up and called my doula, she suggested a bath it can slow things down like the shower did so I could rest again. At that point my hubby and I figured if the contractions were going to stay this way; maybe the kids can go to my mom’s for the evening and play, and then come home right before bedtime so Mike and I can rest. My sister also lives with us so she went with the boys.

I had gotten in the tub at 2:30 and talked on the phone to my friend Kelly. She was coming from 2 hrs away to watch the twins for my mother so she could be here. Kelly told me she didn't think it would be too long, so she was to come up now. If she stayed a day or two its fine, but she really thought it would be tonight. I put it in my head it was going to be a 3 day labor! I was thinking, "I’m 3 weeks late!", so I would figure, labor would be long and I wanted to anticipate it; so I didn’t get discouraged.

It was about 4:45 when I started noticing the contractions were more often. I was on the phone with my other friend Angelina and she noticed I had 3 contractions in 15 mins. It was weird they would be 5 mins apart then I would have 3 in a row at that point they were stronger; but I could still focus on other things. Mike got home from dropping the kids off and helped me out of the tub. He was going to make us steak and broccoli; since I had been eating so much all day I had never been so hungry! I just kept eating. I was excited about steak! I called my doula to come at 4:45 right before I got out of the tub. She said she was about 40 minutes away and would be leaving now. I got dressed and remember eating something after I got out. She came about 6pm and at that point some contractions felt like they were one on top of the other. I also started noticing back pain. I really had to go deep and started making weird animal noises. My mother came over at that point and I remember thinking why are you here so soon? I didn’t think she needed to come over at that point since it was going to be a long labor. Kelly told her to come and she kept the kids and my sister was there to help. She had my 3 boys, my mom’s 2 boys and 1 sister plus my other sister who was helping. I don’t know how she did it LOL. My mom did bring my oldest son so he could go to school in the morning. He walked in the kitchen trying to talk to me about something but I was still leaning over the kitchen table moving my hips and moaning. He never questioned me on why I was making such weird noises he just knew the baby was going to come and he stayed in his room the rest of the night watching tv.

I never expected to be a person to get that loud and moan in labor but the vibrations from the moans made a huge difference. It felt good to be loud and also my doula suggested rotating my hips like doing the hula hoop. My doula, my mother and Mike would take turns putting pressure on my back while I was having the back labor. I stood in the kitchen for a while and tried to eat the wonderful steak and broccoli that Mike made but it wasn’t happening. I was just having such intense contractions. I made my way to the chair to rest for a bit. I was noticing the contractions even more; one on top of the other. I think Mike was already filling up the pool which in hindsight I should have had him do that in the afternoon, when I first noticed contractions. I could have been in the pool during the back labor and I think that would have been amazing.

I got to a point in the chair where I seriously felt high. I asked my doula “am I high??” I would look around and felt really drunk!  She said it was my hormones from the labor; at that point I was able to sleep between contractions. I just needed cold rags and water. I felt like everyone was standing there staring at me but they knew more than I did that the time was soon. They seemed to space out and I could sleep. She said maybe 10 minutes of rest and I would pass out and snore even.

After a bunch of cold rags and some cool drinks I got up to use the restroom. I tried but it was torture for me… when I sat on the toilet the contractions were so intense I couldn’t relax to go pee.  It was the worst thing to sit on the toilet having contractions because it seemed that the pain wouldn’t go away at all. I know some woman like sitting on the toilet in labor but that was not me!  I did notice my bloody show more than I expected but still normal. At that point I think my doula was on the phone with my midwife, or maybe before when I was still in the chair relaxing. I am unsure when she called, but I remember being in the bathroom leaning against the sink having contractions, and then my midwife showed up.

I got in the pool. That stupid thing took so long to fill up it seemed that I really wish I would have done it sooner. As soon as I got into the pool it seemed the back labor went away. My husband was right there next to me and at that point my mom took a couple pictures. I still thought it would be a long while LOL. I wanted my birth video taped but didn’t want them to tape me for 3 days so I never said anything about it. Once I got in the tub I wasn’t in there to long before I felt that I should push. I tried to not push with it, but all I felt was the need to push. I’ve never experienced this before and I didn’t want to push too hard but I couldn’t control it. I always thought you push once and have a break. Not for me, it was push 3 times, and then a break. I kept slipping around in the pool and I really wasn’t feeling the position I was in, so I tried to move and get into a better position but I just wasn't getting comfortable enough. My midwife wanted to get heart tones. I moved around and we tried. She also suggested a vaginal exam because of the bloody show in the pool; she wanted to get heart tones on the baby’s head right away to make sure everything was ok. It was just a few chunks I actually didn’t realize it was blood. I thought I pooped like everyone says you do in labor. She couldn’t feel heart tones and she messed with my stomach and the baby wouldn’t kick.

The whole time I was in labor I was more focused on the labor. I didn’t notice her moving at all. My midwife said "Let’s get out of the pool because she needed to get heart tones". I stood up and still was pushing it seemed like all the time when this was going on. I was able to get out of the pool and laid on the bed for heart tones but I had to push. Kept pushing and pushing... We did get heart tones and they were perfect! I just didn’t feel the baby move, I remember feeling her move in the tub back between 2:30-4:30 but that is it. That is also the last time I was able to pee, I tried several times but couldn’t. Once I was on the bed I actually felt like I was making progress with the pushing. My midwife said every time in the pool I was pushing the baby was staying down, she wasn’t coming down and going back up like most babies do.

I ended up staying on the bed, the pushing urge was so intense, I just had to stay there and push. My doula held my leg back, and my midwife did the other. My hubby stood at the end of the bed right there by me. I seriously thought I would be pushing forever. It was only about 20 minutes on the bed. As soon as they could see the baby’s head peaking, I made my mom take a ton of pictures and show me after each picture. I couldn’t believe the baby’s head was right there! I was so into pushing I didn’t think of the pillow that could have gone behind me so I could feel her head, but that’s OK I had the pictures. I kept pushing and the head came out. I had no idea her head came out until they said her head is out. My mw said wait till the next contraction and let your body push on its own. She told my hubby to come over and catch the baby. It was the next push, just a minute later she came flying out! It felt like a big flip and flop! It was amazing.

She was out and I just wanted to see my baby. It felt like forever from the time she came out till the time they laid her on me but it wasn’t. We planned on immediate skin to skin contact and nursing from the start. I did tear in 2 places and had a bit more blood than normal, especially because of the tears. I never felt a gooey, juicy, baby. It was great to hold her and she was wide awake right away. I remember thinking OMG she is so tiny compared to what we expected since I was 3 weeks post dates. Her butt was tiny but her body was so long. We had her start nursing within minutes as they worked on cleaning me up and getting the bleeding to stop.

I delivered the placenta pretty soon after it seemed like 10 minutes later. The bleeding wasn’t slowing and I took some herbs to help with the bleeding, as well as the nipple stimulation to get the hormones going so I could stop bleeding. I was more worried about bleeding too much. I wish I wouldn’t have worried about it but of course I had to think, I had a vbac but I tore myself! Why did I do that? Why did I push so hard and fast? I laid there holding my baby so excited that she was here, looking at her but still thinking… why won’t  I stop bleeding. Even though they said it is ok never said let’s go to the hospital or anything but I was paranoid. I had a wonderful pregnancy and a homebirth after 3 cs but I am going to bleed to death because I pushed too hard. Uhh it figures. I think back now and I wish I wouldn’t have worried about it at all. I know my mw knew what to do and everything was fine but I was consumed in what I did wrong. Maybe I made myself so anal about the delivery because I didn’t want to screw it up. I felt at sometimes the boys births were my fault because I was uneducated on birth.


I got up to try and pee. At this point I think it had been 7 hrs since was able to pee last. She was born at 10:35pm and I still hadn’t been able to. It burned so bad, and it was because of the tears which didn’t get stitches or anything. My midwife said they would heal the one was a hematoma and seemed pretty bad. My bones and body hurt so bad it was like a massive work out that I did not prepare well for. I thought besides your vagina hurting your body would be fine but nope not mine it felt like I had been hit by a bus or two. LOL

The baby was amazing she nursed right away. My mom made me some eggs and cream cheese toast. I also drank a bunch of juice and water. It had been since 5ish that I had anything to eat and I felt like I was starving. It was about 3 hrs later before we cut her cord and found out she was 8lbs.8 oz and 21.5 inches long, her head was 14.5 inches long and she came out in military position. Her head was perfect and didn’t even have a crown from molding or anything. She nursed this whole time which was so amazing to have her with me, skin to skin and nursing. She knew exactly what to do right away. I was never able to nurse my boys right away and they were always given a bottle the first day accept Evan. I knew our bond was going to be different. Made me which I could have that with the boys. I know shes my first girl so that makes it different too but from just hours after birth if I got up to use the rest room my hubby or mom would hold her and she would cry that she wasn’t laying on me or nursing. She nursed all night. At first I felt so exhausted and was afraid to co-sleep with her and ask our midwife if I could lay her in her co-sleeper. She suggested 48 hrs of skin to skin contact to regulate her body temp and breathing. So she can get acclimated to world since what she was used to was so different. I really was worried at first I would be too tired to sleep so I was going to lay her in there but she never wanted to stop nursing. When she did I laid her in the co-sleeper once for about 10 mins. She was sleeping and I was happy to be able to lie on my side. I was never able to sleep in my bed right after a  cs because it would feel like my stomach was ripping open to even attempt to lay down flat. Using my stomach muscles this time was so different. They were sore but like I did a ton of sit ups nothing compares to a cs even with my tears. After about 10 minutes she wanted to nurse again and at this time Mike was already passed out from having a exhausting day. I woke him up to prop my pillows and get me some more juice. I turned the tv on and prepared myself to sleep propped sitting up so she could nurse all night. She nursed seriously almost non-stop, I just sat and stared at her and smelled her. I never had a gooey baby to smell right away. I always smelled my boys after they were already cleaned up. I don’t know if I will ever let her out of my sight for too long LOL

I really do look back and think ya know if I would have thought my labor wouldn’t be so soon I would have done things differently but I had no idea. I was preparing for a long labor since I was so late and everything took me longer during this pregnancy. I never wanted to be on my back but it felt so good when I was on my back I never wanted to push differently. I wish Mike could have fussed with the pool earlier but we didn’t think it was going to be soon so I never said ok fill the pool. I just labored like I was waiting for it to get worse. It never got so unbearable I couldn’t handle it. I did have back labor for a good 6 hrs I think. She went posterior and I could feel her hands on each side of my cs scar. That was the most intense part of the labor was the back pain. I think it would have been so unbearable had I not had my doula and mom there to rub my back during the contractions. I also wouldn’t have moved my hips and helped her move down like my doula said. The pool again looking back just didn’t work for me, I didn’t feel I was doing enough in the pool and the slipping really irritated me. All I wanted to do was keep pushing but I was worried about slipping and sitting on the baby if she started coming out LOL again unrealistic but things that pop in your head. Especially as crazy as I am LOL. I am so thankful to have been able to experience all this. Holding her right away was wonderful she was so slimy and my hand went right to her butt I seriously couldn’t believe how small it was because she felt huge in my belly!  Mike was able to catch her and he never expected that since we were fully planning a water birth. We never talked about what if we weren’t in the water. We just said if it doesn’t work for me we will move. I never ever wanted to be flat on my back in my bed. I know for me that was the position the hospital sticks you in, and I wanted nothing of that. However for me and this birth it worked and was a great pushing position. I never thought once I got in that position I need to move. It felt great to push and at that point I wasn’t even noticing contractions just the need to push. That surprised me for sure but that’s how she needed and wanted to come out I guess.

This pregnancy definitely pushed me and changed my thinking on so many things. I really hope woman all over can become empowered to birth the way they want. To trust birth and understand that not everything is or has to be the way the ob says. I always trusted myself, my husband, midwife and doula. I knew we could do it! I never expected it to be this way nor did I expect being so late or my water breaking so early and no labor.

 My water broke 55 hrs before labor started and once it did start she was out in 8 hrs after 1.5 hrs of pushing on March 8th.I think 8 is her lucky number!  Julianne is her name she has 3 loving big brothers and. She is amazing and healthier than any of my boys were. My midwife and doula said there was no way she could have been 3 weeks post dates and even though we calculated my due date by lmp and conception dates. We must have conceived in the beginning of June instead of when we thought in May. She was covered in vernix, wrinkly only on her hands and feet but perfect! I remember looking back knowing when I first took a pregnancy test it was the end of June and the first test was very unclear. I am a nut about taking pg tests and if there was a slight line I would take another. For about 2 weeks I took a test every 3 or so days until it was a darker line. I always found out early with my pregnancies accept my first. I knew I could only 6 weeks at that time but looking back I must have been a little less than that. I always watched my cycles and at the time I conceived I really was having a funky cycle. It seemed like I tried to ovulate 2 times in May and noticed some again the first week of June. I guess that is when I got pregnant with her. Even though I wasn’t really 43 weeks, in my mind at that time I was post date and it was so hard. If you are going through the same thing just know your body and baby know when the time is right. Some people would suggest a non-stress test but I didn’t have any of that. I just waited and she would check heart tones when she came. Nothing felt off so we kept waiting. I still feel as though I was post dates emotionally because of the stress it put me though.
I hope sharing my story will encourage other moms to stand up for youself and find a care provider to support you, and have the birth of your dreams! I know people go unassisted in childbirth but I don’t think I could have done that. If it wasn’t for midwife and doula who were amazing, I wouldn’t have gotten the birth of my dreams and I would have had a fourth c-section.

Thank you for listening and reading through this I know it has been super long. It seems that it has taken forever!
Thank you Cindy and Robin for everything! You two are amazing!
Janel-

I DID IT!
I had a homebirth after 3 c sections! You can too!





Story reposted with permission from Janel Hyland, original author. Janel is a mother of  4 and a VBA3C veteran.